Exhaustion.

I wanted to post an update, but I have to be honest - the words aren't coming. Not in any sort of coherent stream of thought, anyway. I'm exhausted. In a way I've never experienced before and everything in my body hurts, yet I feel like I'm living someone else's life. Someone else carries quadruplets for 26 and a half weeks. Someone else goes on bed rest for 10 and a half of those weeks. Someone else delivers those four babies and then says goodbye to one of those precious children only 10 hours later. Someone else plans the funeral for that sweet baby while trying to figure out insurance and FMLA and the ins and outs of the NICU for the surviving three babies. Someone else sits in the front row of the funeral looking at the only pictures she was able to get of her beautiful son before he was placed in the box that sits beside those pictures. Someone else pumps every two hours in the midst of all of it so that her other three babies might be able to grow and thrive and have a chance at life that her other baby won't get. Someone else gets an infection and ends up back in the same room to be treated for it as she spent three weeks on bed rest in only two weeks before and weeps because the last time she was in that room she had all four of her babies with her. Someone else hates Wednesdays because of the reminder of what week gestation those babies would be and how her angel baby might still be here if only she could have kept them in longer. Someone else almost loses another baby this week and freaks out and struggles to feel any comfort in trusting the Lord with her one pound baby's health because the Lord already saw fit to take her brother home, so who's to say He's not going to take her as well? This has to be someone else's life because I can't do this.

But it's not. It's my life, and it's Nick's life, and by the grace of God (and ONLY by His grace), we're doing it. We're not doing it well, but every day we get out of bed and we put one foot in front of the other, and we make it another day. And every day we experience the goodness of God in amazing and tangible ways, and we are reassured that we will be okay. And we are also reassured that it's okay that we aren't there yet. And in the midst of our not okayness, we've got thousands of people who are literally holding us up in so many beautiful ways, and we are experiencing the body of Christ in a way we could have never fathomed. We've got an amazing medical team that is fighting so hard to get our babies healthy. We've got amazing friends and family who are fixing meals and cleaning our house and helping with Jeremiah and sitting at the hospital with us and crying with us. We've got an amazing church family that is sending freezer meals and helping us through our grief and who hosted a lovely celebration of Oliver's life for our family. We've got sorority sisters who are raising money for our NICU stay and funeral costs and who named a star after Oliver so that we would always be able to look to the sky and see him. We've got best friends who drive the two hours from Kansas City just to be with us for an hour or two and let us cry with them. We've got co-workers and employers who are so gracious and generous with us and have given us the time we need to be together as we mourn Oliver and celebrate each victory we see with Mavis, Amos, and Lena. We've got strangers from across the country who are sending cards and gifts and sweet words of encouragement and praying so diligently for our three tiny miracles and rejoicing with each "win" they have. Truly, I could go on and on. We have been blown away by people's kindness to us - throughout our entire pregnancy but especially in the weeks since we delivered.

So while it feels very much like we are living someone else's life, Nick and I have found so much comfort in the midst of our pain. Not only in the way you all have been the hands and feet of Jesus to us, but most importantly in the Truth of who Christ is. He is not unfamiliar with suffering, but He Himself endured the unthinkable. This world is not as it ought to be, and God does not delight in our hurt, but instead meets us in it and reminds us that in the midst of the brokenness, all WILL be well. It's not yet, but it will be. God weeps with us over the loss of our son, but He also reminds us that Oliver is safe in the arms of his Creator and we will see him again some day. So while my arms ache for the baby I won't get to raise, my heart is comforted in knowing where he is. I have been clinging to this passage from Lamentations 3, and my prayer in sharing it, and really in sharing all of this - our entire journey and even the ugly rawness of my hurt and my fear - is that you would find encouragement and peace in knowing that there is HOPE. No matter how dark the days, no matter how deep the pain, no matter how feeble the faith, there is always, ALWAYS hope.

19 Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
    the wormwood and the gall!
20 My soul continually remembers it
    and is bowed down within me.
21 But this I call to mind,
    and therefore I have hope:

22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, 

“therefore I will hope in him.”
    

We'll be okay.

We're struggling. I'll be honest. This last week and a half has been the hardest 10 days of our whole lives, and it is purely by the grace of God that we are still standing. I'm exhausted tonight, so it's probably better that I don't let my feels get going or we could be here all night, but I did want to post some pictures of the kids and tell you all that we are SO, SO grateful for you support, prayers, and encouragement. We continue to be blown away by the outpouring of love we've received. In addition to just missing him so much that my body literally aches, one of my greatest fears is that Oliver will be forgotten and that Amos, Mavis, and Lena will be denied a part of their identity as quads. He will always be a huge part of their story and of our family and to know that you all love him so much gives me hope that our precious baby will not be forgotten. The love you've shown us and the condolences you've offered have been so comforting and reassuring and we are so grateful.

Many of you have asked, and Nick and I are still working on a meaningful way to honor Oliver's life in the way of a memorial, but as soon as we nail it down, we will let you know. In the meantime, we plan to celebrate our beautiful boy with a graveside service for our immediate family this weekend. We have been working with Houser Millard Funeral Home and they have been nothing short of amazing. Oliver's obituary ran in the Jefferson City paper today, and you can read it here on the Millard website.

In other news, the other three babies are doing remarkably well for how teeny they are. Lena finally reached one pound today! We are so excited for her!! She continues to show us what a brave little fighter she is - the big babies (you know, the almost two pound ones!) do something one day and she does it the next. The doctors tell us it might be a while before she is able to do this or that, and she turns around and proves them wrong. She's such a feisty little thing. :) Really all three of them are. We are so very proud to be their mommy and daddy. Every day we look at each other and say, "these babies are ours. God gave them to us. How did we get so lucky?!" I won't bog you down with the medical details, but I'll hit the highlights - they are all three off the big ventilator and are getting their oxygen through a much smaller nasal cannula, they are all on at least a few milliliters of breast milk (I pump and then they get it through a feeding tube directly into their tiny bellies...they are no where close to nursing, but maybe someday!), and they've all opened their eyes! The biggest concern we have with all three of them is that their heart rates drop several times a day for a short period of time. They call them "brady events" and they are very typical for preemies. Their nurses and doctors assure us that as scary as it is to watch happen, it is very common for tiny babes, and they will eventually outgrow it. We completely trust these amazing, amazing humans who are caring for our babies, but given what Nick watched happen to Oliver, we are both incredibly nervous about them. Please pray for us that we don't freak out every time it happens or wear on our incredibly patient, kind, and compassionate medical team. More importantly, please pray that the babies would outgrow this soon. I weep every time it happens at this point, and I know it's the pain of losing Oliver that is still so fresh and raw that is contributing to my paranoia, but right now I just can't help it. And I'm okay with that. Healing will come. But in the meantime, it's terrifying.

So many of you have been so sweet to remember big brother these last 10 days, and we are so grateful. Jeremiah is doing as well as can be expected. He took the news of Oliver's passing about how we anticipated he would - he was sad and confused but also very matter of fact about it. He loves the other babies but really struggles to be in the NICU. The alarms and machines are just too much for him (they are almost too much for Nick and I too...it's constant. One of the babies is always being naughty and setting off their alarms so there is never a quiet moment in our little neck of the NICU woods.), and every time one of them has a machine dinging at us, he assumes another baby is going to die. It's been really hard to watch, but we continue to make him come visit once every few days for short periods of time because we know it's important for him to learn to trust that the babies are safe and in good hands.

So, I just realized how tired I am and this entire post may be completely incoherent, so I'd better sign off before I fall asleep on my keyboard!! :)  But, maybe you'll forgive me if I leave you with cute pictures of my teeny tiny baby humans?!?

Teeny Leeny

Mavey Baby

Famous Amos

And of course, a very proud, sweet, handsome big brother

Thank you for being patient with us as we adjust to our new life as a NICU family as well as plan a funeral for our baby. It's been completely overwhelming and all encompassing, but we know we'll settle into a routine eventually. In the meantime, thank you for loving us and our kids and continuing to be such faithful prayer warriors. We've got three itty bitty babies who still desperately need your prayers, a big brother who is trying to make sense of it all, and two parents who are grieving but filled with hope as we know that Oliver is safe in the hands of the One who made him and we will see him again. We still have four amazing children to raise on this side of heaven and we don't want to take one minute with them for granted. They are precious treasures to us.

Heartbreak.

Hey friends and family,

First of all, I apologize that so many of you should be hearing this from Nick or I firsthand, but we are just overwhelmed and heartbroken and this seemed like the best way to communicate our news to everyone we love and who has been so faithfully praying for us.

Last night around 12:30am, we got a call in our room from the NICU and they asked Nick to come check on Oliver and get an update on him. By the time he got there, they were doing chest compressions and it was only a matter of minutes before our sweet baby was at home with Jesus. We are crushed and heartbroken, but we are so thankful that we know this isn't the end. We take comfort in knowing that sweet Oliver is with the Lord and didn't suffer long before he got his angel wings, but we weep knowing that this is not how it ought to be.

We got to spend the whole night with him and both sets of grandparents were able to come hold him and say goodbye as well. We are so thankful that Jeremiah got to meet all of the babies last night and we have talked with the social worker several times this morning to come up with a plan on how to tell him and help him grieve. We plan to do that this afternoon. After that, they will take Oliver for an autopsy to see if they can identify the cause of his passing. They believe it has to do with his lungs, but because it all happened so quickly, there's no way to know until they can look at him further. We absolutely know they did everything they could to save our baby, so we are at peace with not knowing the ultimate cause of death, but if this will help them be able to save another baby down the line, we will gladly let them take a look.

Thank you for all of the well-wishes and congratulations yesterday. We rejoice that three of our babies are still here and doing well, and praise God that we got to know and love sweet Oliver for the 10 hours we had with him. They were far too short, but we are comforted in knowing we will see him again.

Please continue to pray for us as we navigate funeral arrangements for Oliver while we still want to care for, get to know, and bond with his siblings. Our hearts are heavy, and we are feeling overwhelmed by it all, but we know the God of love and we know that by his grace, we will eventually all be ok.

Update!

Hello everyone! This is Nick, writing on Emily's behalf. I'm sure she'll provide more information soon, but I wanted to give everyone a brief update.

After this morning's ultrasound revealed that Oliver's blood flow was continuing to deteriorate, we made the decision around noon to deliver the babies. Things moved quickly after that. Emily was in surgery shortly by 2 o'clock, and in recovery by 3 o'clock.

The delivery was successful! The babies cooperated and came out in order: we welcomed Mavis and Amos at 2:12, Oliver at 2:13, and Lena at 2:14. Mavis and Amos weighed in at two pounds, Oliver at one-and-a-half pounds, and Lena at one pound.

The doctors were amazing. They were able to intubate all of the babies, and Emily made it through surgery without any complications. We are so grateful for all of the skillful hands that have kept Emily and the babies safe during this journey.

After a couple of hours of recovery, Emily and I were able to go to the NICU to meet the babies. They are beautiful, but tiny! The hospital was so kind to block off a suite of NICU rooms for us, so they are all together. They are all facing the same challenges, namely breathing and staying warm. So far, so good! They are snuggled in warm isolettes and covered with what looks like Saran Wrap to help their skin retain heat, and they have teeny tiny ventilators helping them breathe. Oliver is doing the best of all: he is breathing "room air" through his ventilator, while the others are breathing oxygenated air.

We also were able to introduce the babies to their grandparents. The hospital staff was so gracious to accommodate our troop of people leaning over the isolettes trying to get a better view of our tiny treasures.

I'm going to sign off now, but I want to thank everyone for the warm thoughts and prayers. Emily and I have been so encouraged by all of the support we have received along this journey. We had a lot of peace about the decision to deliver today. We have found that knowing that so many people are praying and hoping for us gives us the courage to keep hoping for the best. We have had nothing but the best possible outcomes, and we are going to keep praying for healing and growth for the babies and their mommy.

Sorry for the dry blog post. Your regularly scheduled programming (Emily) will resume as soon as Emily is off the morphine.

It's Baby Day!

Hello all- this is Emily's sister-in-law Sara standing in for Emily, who is currently being prepped for surgery to deliver the fantastic four!  They did another scan this morning, and there was some deterioration in Oliver's blood flow from Friday.  The doctors are just not confident of their ability to be able to monitor his condition, since they can't use a fetal monitor because he has so much company in there.  So, they felt it was best to deliver all the babies to ensure that he is getting all the nutrition and oxygen he needs.  (Emily is sure Oliver is going to be the child who is very focused on things being fair and not being overlooked... he couldn't stand Lena getting all the attention so he is causing a stir! 
So- write it down, August 24th will the be birthday of the Beydler quads!  Nick is en route to Columbia and the team is being assembled.  Pray for the doctors and nurses (nearly 40 of them who will be involved in this delivery), for Emily and Nick and for the babies. 
We will keep you all updated as we get more information!

No Babies Yet!

To say the last few days have been a whirlwind would be an understatement. In fact, Mavis and I have similar feelings about how the two little babies have been behaving:

This is a picture of her from Friday's scan, with her little hand on her forehead as if to say, "hey! Babies! Pull your stuff together! Enough of your antics. Either we're in or we're out. Got it?!" I could not agree more, kiddo. I was looking back at blog post titles for the last few weeks, and it's a very consistent roller coaster of "Best day! Worst day. Great news! Bad news," and if it weren't so scary, it might almost be comical. Almost. :)

But, as it stands, here we are, two days further along in our pregnancy than we thought we might be, and we are so grateful! I'm so sorry that I didn't get a blog post updated, but hopefully most of you saw on Facebook that we did NOT have to deliver the babies on Friday. Nick and I are totally at peace with delivering them as soon as one (or more) of them would fare better on the outside than they are able to on the inside, so we actually went into Friday's appointment really calm and ready for whatever God had for us. What we were not anticipating is that Oliver was actually doing BETTER than he was on Wednesday!! The doctors were in shock...they were prepared for his blood flow to be worse, would have been pleased with doing the same, but were not expecting better. At all. That's just not a thing that medically should have happened (but then again, look at Lena. She's been proving science wrong for 6.5 weeks now, so clearly Oliver couldn't be outdone by her.). We are elated, of course, but also totally exhausted!! These babies are keeping us on our toes for sure!!

So the plan from here on out (at least as I understand it) is that we will do another scan tomorrow, and then a couple days after that, until it's obvious that it's time to deliver. I think how close together the scans are will depend on how both Oliver and Lena's blood flows are looking. If we see what we saw on Friday, they probably will keep the scans a couple of days apart. But, if either of them are on the bubble, we will do them every day until it's time to deliver. And then there's also the possibility that Amos or Mavis could start to struggle too, so we can't rule that out either. I asked why it is that Oliver might just now be experiencing some trouble and they told me that my uterus is probably just getting tired. What?! Nonsense. Everyone knows that sustaining four tiny lives is exactly what a uterus is designed to do. Or it's not. Whatever. :) Even if it's not exactly what my guts were designed to do (or at least certainly not what I wanted them to do...believe it or not, we didn't actually plan for or try for four babies at once, although that is a really common question we get asked!), we are so in awe of the miracle God is working in my belly and can't believe that we are still pregnant. Nick and I were looking back at this whole crazy ride, and the fact that we are still pregnant, with all four babies, is nothing short of God's incredible power working in our lives. I went on bed rest with contractions at 16 weeks, had to have a cerclage because my cervix was so thin at 19 weeks, found out Lena was struggling at 20 weeks, was admitted to the hospital because it looked as though we were going to lose her at 23 weeks, and yet here we are, at 26.5 weeks, still pregnant. It's completely unbelievable and every single day we can keep them inside is such a gift.

Several of you have asked if I'm bored or going crazy at the hospital, and I'll be honest, I've had my moments. There have definitely been a couple of days were I was grumpy and ready to be home, but honestly, I cannot complain. I just can't. How could I possibly be upset when every day that we are here is one more day that these babies get to grow and have a better chance at survival outside of the womb? Don't get me wrong...I miss my boys terribly and I'll be more than ready to be home when the time comes (I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss Target!), but this is temporary. And the chance at a healthier life each day in this bed is buying my babies for a lifetime outside of the womb is absolutely worth it. For that reason alone, I really have no other choice but to praise the One who both created and is sustaining these tiny little humans.

And as if that's not enough cause for celebration, I'm also never lonely. If friends and family aren't visiting me, someone from my church's hospital visitation team is. And if it's not someone from church, it's a nurse just coming to say hi or the nurse manager checking in on me, or a NICU nurse coming to see how we're doing and update us on what's going on downstairs in the way of quad pod preparation (we get our own pod!! Wild, right?!?). Or, on a very special occasion, your doctor's wife is here for a check up on her own growing baby bump and you get to meet her and hold her hostage in your room for three hours because you like her so much and don't want her to leave. I mean, I've heard that's a thing that can happen. I wouldn't know. Just hospital gossip. :) Basically, the staff here are rock stars and we even occasionally have parties to celebrate things like being 26 weeks pregnant (when the most delicious cookie company in Columbia delivers, you can pretty much party anywhere, hospitals included) or we paint nails, or we trim bangs that are long overdue for it because the people who work here are nothing short of incredible and they see a need and they meet it. Even if it's not actually in their job description. Truly, they are the hands and feet of Jesus and not just in the way they are taking care of us physically, but also emotionally.

And if all of that doesn't help you to not feel sorry for me, check out my awesome weekend visitor:

After church on Sunday mornings, Nick has been taking Jeremiah to the park to play for a bit and then they come spend some time with me, and we eat lunch and play some wild rounds of Go Fish. Obviously Sundays are the best days when this face comes to say hi for an extended period of time (he usually comes up one or two other times a week, but Sundays have turned into our special days).

And last Sunday he happened to be here when the doctors came to do their daily sonogram check up on the babies, and he could not have loved it more. Although he was super bossy with Dr. Whaley (who was incredibly patient with him!) and kept telling her, "um, is that Lena? We need to see Lena. She's our small baby. Can we look at her now. Please?" And then the moment we saw Lena he was like, "great! Back to Oliver. I want to see him again. What's he doing now?" At one point a baby kicked me and I said, "the babies can hear you, buddy. One of them just kicked me, and I think they are saying, 'hi, big brother!!'" And he said, "hey! Don't look at me, babies! I'm not the one who put all that jelly on you!" Oh, funny boy. You make all the things better.

Thank you, thank you, THANK you for the continued outpouring of love and encouragement. We are just blown away by the support we are receiving, and though we will never be able to thank you all properly, please know that these sweet babies are a testimony to the power of prayer and the grace of an amazing Creator who loves them more than we ever could. Thank you for loving them enough to pray for them so faithfully and also for rallying around our family when we most desperately need it. We are blessed.

A Quick Update

Thank you all so much for the outpouring of love and support in light of our newest development with the babies. We did get to speak with Dr. Pardalos last night (the neonatologist from the NICU) and he was so kind and caring, but essentially had the same thing to say as Dr. Jackson - there is no medical right or wrong decision right now. The good news is that he does feel confident that at Lena's size, he could intubate her, which would at least give her a fighting chance. Sadly, the reality is that none of our babies are even 2 lbs yet, and we would be risking lives if we delivered them and we would be risking lives if we left them in utero. And depending on what we find on our scan tomorrow, particularly with Oliver's blood flow, we could have to make that decision within a couple of hours. The medical teams are gathering and preparing just in case we do choose to deliver, but none of them can tell us what the best choice is. And I don't blame them. They are in the same position we are...there are no guarantees at this point in gestation and every decision we make right now is a gamble, and no one wants to be the one to make that call. So ultimately it's up to Nick and I, and we are praying so hard that God would give us wisdom beyond what we deserve and peace that passes understanding. No parent ever wants to be in this position. Both doctors and every nurse we've talked to has teared up a bit with us as we've talked about all the risks and benefits associated with these choices, and it is so overwhelming to know that they love these babies so much already that they are treating them like their own.

I've kind of checked out of communication right now, but please know how very blessed we are by all the "shares," "likes," comments, messages, texts of encouragement, and words of comfort. I'm trying to keep up, but medical staff have been in and out of our room since 3:00pm yesterday, and we're just feeling exhausted and overwhelmed and trying to create space to pray and grieve and come to peace with a decision that we aren't even sure we're going to have to make tomorrow. That's maybe one of the most awful parts is that we have to be ready to make it at any point from here on out and we just don't know when. If not tomorrow, Saturday? And if not Saturday, Tuesday? And if not Tuesday, next week? So we keep praying and hoping and asking God for a miracle, but also believing that he loves these babies so much more than we ever could and that no matter what happens, He is in control. He has not lost sight of these babies or this situation and none of this is a surprise to Him. For that we are so, SO grateful.

One of the comments that did catch my eye on Facebook last night was from a sweet friend of mine that I worked with at summer camp in college. She was praying that we would be able to make this decision without fear of judgement or opinion or guilt or regret no matter the outcome, and for that I am so thankful. Thank you, sweet friend, for praying that for us and reminding us and everyone else on our journey that this is not a position anyone ever wants to be in. And thank you, friends and family and kind strangers who have jumped in to this story with us for being so compassionate and just reminding us that we are loved and prayed for. We really can't thank you all enough for that. I was hesitant to even put this on the internet, because I know it seems like an invitation to join us in making this decision, but I'm so, SO thankful that we haven't felt any sort of judgement or condemnation from anyone about what they would do, or what we should do, or what God would do, etc. Instead, you all have been an incredible source of love and encouragement, and we are so grateful. We've been honest with you all up to now about what's going on, and we've seen miracles - especially with my health and Lena's health - and I continue to share with you all because I know it is your prayers that are holding us up right now and I'm confident you will continue to do so. We are praying for a miracle for Oliver now too, but we are also praying for peace and comfort should hard decisions need to be made in the near future. Thank you for continuing to pray for us and love us and believe in us. We serve an incredible Savior and we are clinging to him for peace, wisdom, guidance, and comfort now more than ever.

A Turn for the Worse.

So many of you have been so faithful to pray and knew that today was a big day for us, and I'm so sorry I'm just now getting an update posted. Today we reached 26 weeks, which is amazing, and we are so thankful for the gift of being this far along in our pregnancy. However, at our growth scan today, we got some news we were not expecting and are coming to the point where some hard decisions might have to be made in the near future. Sweet Oliver took a turn for the worse and is now in the same boat as Lena - they both have blood flow issues and are considered "IUGR" (intra-uterine growth restricted).  Lena is still not quite to 500g (the 1 lb cut off we need her at), meaning she is likely too small to be intubated if she were to come now. The good news with her though is that she IS growing and is getting so close - she's gained 120g in the last two weeks and is at 440g. Her blood flow has remained stable, so while it's not "good," it's still not deteriorating. Oliver, on the other hand, took such a drastic turn, and so quickly, that we don't have any idea what to predict from him. He is at 1 lb 7 oz, so he's big enough to intubate should we have to deliver in the next few days, but also didn't gain enough weight in the last two weeks that he has fallen to the second percentile on the growth chart (anything under 10% is concerning). Mavis and Amos are baby tanks and have both grown significantly in the last two weeks - both are coming in at 1 lb 12 oz, which is incredible.

Dr. Jackson came in and talked with Nick and I for about an hour  this evening, and we are so grateful to be in his care. We still can't believe that we have been blessed with two incredible physicians taking care of us and these babies throughout the duration of this pregnancy. What a gift. No matter what happens with these kiddos, Dr. Grant and Dr. Jackson will always be our heroes for the love and care they have both poured into us these last 26 weeks. Anyway, the long and the short of our time with him today is that we just don't have any guarantees, and we need to be prepared for anything when we have another Doppler on Friday (when they will just look at blood flow for Oliver and Lena). We could see that they are both still hanging in there and wait until Tuesday to look again (we are going back to a Tuesday/Friday schedule given the new circumstances) with no hard decisions needing to be made at this time. The other situation we could see is that Oliver is continuing to go south and we would need to make some really awful, AWFUL decisions based on what is best for the most number of babies. The worst part about this is that medically we are in gray area. They can't say for sure what the best option would be. If we were further along in gestation, it would be a no-brainer - deliver the babies and know that they all have a great chance at survival. Had we gotten to this point a couple of weeks ago, we would be in the position - as hard as it would be - where it wouldn't really be our decision because none of them could survive outside the womb and we would just need to leave them all and know that we were likely going to lose Lena in the process. So, Nick and I are just feeling icky. We are SO thankful for the progress Lena has made and the continued successful growth that Mavis and Amos are showing. Oliver, on the other hand, is heartbreaking and we just didn't see it coming. He has given us no hint at being in trouble, but like I said the other day, we know that anything can happen, and it can happen in an instant.

Nick is still at the hospital with me and we are waiting on the neonatologist to come meet with us. Dr. Jackson wanted us to get to talk with one of them again and hear their thoughts on delivering at this point based on what they know of their weights now. We just heard that Dr. Pardalos from the NICU is on his way down, so I will post this now and do another update later. Thank you for praying!!

The Best News.

I'm just gonna cut to the chase because I can't contain my excitement...Lena's pocket of fluid is 5 cm. FIVE OF THEM!! Five! You guys, I don't think she's ever been above a 2, which is the cut off for "danger zone." And today, incredibly, she's got the most beautiful pocket of fluid you've ever seen (oh? You didn't know that pockets of fluid could be beautiful? Um, they absolutely can.)! I didn't realize that we were going to do a quick scan today, but they took me to the clinic (you better believe I took a shower and put on some clean jammies for my big ride across the hospital!!), just to measure heart rates and fluid pockets and to look at Lena's blood flow. When they looked when I got admitted two weeks ago, and then when we measured them again last Wednesday, her fluid level was right around 1.7, which I was elated about because at least it wasn't 0.5 (the lowest it's gotten). But somehow, miraculously, she's got this amazing pocket of fluid around her now and she is so active and mobile, and I'm fairly confident it's her way of thanking all of you for praying so faithfully for her. We didn't measure the babies today, but visually they all look a little bigger, even Lena girl (and the sonographer confirmed that...it's not just wishful mama thinking!). Her blood flow continues to be the same - absent in a few places along her cord, but it's not deteriorating, and that is a huge blessing. She's obviously not out of the woods yet, but I'm over the moon. And you can that tell by the number of run-on sentences contained in this first paragraph, none of which I'm even going to go back and fix, because...FIVE!!!!!!

That's our big news for today, but Mavis, Amos, and Oliver are looking awesome as well, and I don't want to take that for granted. As we have seen with Lena, anything can happen, and I never want to lose sight of what a huge gift it's been to not have much to worry about with those three pumpkins. I am so, SO thankful for their good health and continued growth. Poor Mavis is shoved so far down by the weight of the other babies, that she doesn't move much these days, but her little extremities flail about all willy nilly, and I love watching her fight off her brothers. I'll be so excited to see her sweet face when she gets here, since it's been hidden from us for weeks now. Amos and Oliver, on the other hand, are total show offs. They are turning circles and kicking like crazy and one of them has his feet lodged in my right ribs 98% of the time. I'm pretty sure from the way they are arranged that it's Oliver. Typical middle child. Just wants to make sure I haven't forgotten him. :)

Other than Lena's amazing news, this was my favorite thing that happened at my scan today:

So, this is Oliver, with his legs stretched out and over his head, basically in a U shape sticking his butt in his brother's face...

And then 30 seconds later, this picture was taken of Amos, literally with his nose in Oliver's tiny little butt. The "C" is where Oliver's buns are and the "B" is Amos' head. Oh, boys. I think they're going to keep us on our toes.

Other than that, things continue to remain stable. My labs are still good, my blood pressure is okay (steadily creeping up, but still in the normal range...just the upper portion of it), and there's nothing indicating that these babies are coming anytime soon. Which is completely insane and for which I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Yesterday I got to take a tour of the NICU, and honestly, it was amazing. Yes, it's completely overwhelming to think about all of the challenges they will face in the outside world, but to have a visual for where we'll be and what a baby that size looks like in person was actually really comforting. I've joked about the fact that our babies will look like aliens because they just won't have any fat on their bodies, but after seeing some itty bitty babies up close yesterday, I have to eat my words. They were perfect. Seriously. All of them. As perfect as you can imagine a baby being. Maybe your perspective changes when you know you're going to have four of those itty bitty babies yourself before too long, but they really did look like baby dolls. Beautiful, tiny, proportional, sleeping baby dolls who occasionally flail their arms and legs about and bring tears to your eyes because they are so incredibly perfect. When God says that he knits us together perfectly in our mother's womb and that we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139), he was not lying. These babies are perfect are I can't wait to see our tiny little doll babies in a few weeks.

Prayer warriors, you are incredible. From the bottom of our hearts, we cannot thank you enough. We are watching God change our little girl's situation, and we have not been this encouraged about her well-being in weeks. Thank you for fighting on her behalf, and really on behalf of all of us. Nick and I have felt so very loved and cared for by all of you, and I'm confident that your prayers and encouragement are what's sustaining all seven of us during this crazy time. Bless you!

Another Week in the Books!

I'm kind of in shock as I write this, but here we are at 25 WEEKS!! 25 of them...with four babies in my belly. I seriously can't believe it. Also totally unbelievable? We're actually really stable for now! The babies all still have strong heartbeats, my preeclampsia labs and blood pressure remain good, and weirdly, all is well for now. Every morning between 7:00 and 8:00am, Dr. Jackson and his entourage (seriously, this morning it was like 7 doctors) come in and wake me up (lucky for them. They're all showered and make-upped and looking like real human adults, and I'm just drooling on myself with hair matted to my face and barely coherent. Have I mentioned how pretty pregnancy makes me feel?!?) with the news that all is well for another day. Which at this point is so weird and wonderful, all at the same time.

Now that we've reached 25 weeks, Dr. Jackson talked to me today about his latest thoughts and plans moving forward. We aren't going to do a "big" ultrasound again until next week. I get a quick one every day to make sure the babies have good heartbeats and are moving, but the "big" one is what I call the one where I go to the clinic, and they look at fluid levels, blood flow, and measurements. The reason he's waiting one more week to do another big one is that the margin of error will be smaller if the ultrasound measurements are further apart, and we can get a better idea of whether the babies are actually growing or not. So, no wheelchair trip to the other side of the hospital today, but I can totally wait if it means we will get a better idea of how the little nuggets are doing. After next week, we will probably start looking at blood flow more regularly (I can't remember if they said daily at that point or just weekly), as we might be at a point where all four of the babies could survive outside the womb, and if Lena is in distress, we may be able to deliver them all and have a good chance of survival for each of them. However, that would still be a really hard decision to make knowing that it may not be what's best for all four babies, so please continue praying that it never comes to that. If we can get all four of them to 28 weeks, Dr. Jackson said it would be more of a no-brainer, and we could deliver all four in good conscience medically, knowing that they all have a really good chance of survival. So, please pray for at least three more weeks!! I'm still holding out hope for getting to 30, but at this point, I would take 28 too. That's just three more weeks! THREE!! That's it! We can totally do that!!

Speaking of weeks, it's kind of surreal that I've been on bedrest for nine of them. Nine weeks of laying in bed, and I haven't even lost my marbles yet! Everyone keeps asking if I'm so bored, but truly, I'm not. I've received so many encouraging texts and Facebook messages, had sweet visitors who've dropped by the house (and now the hospital), and my amazing mom has been here quite a bit to help keep me company (she and my dad thought they retired so they could be footloose and fancy free and maybe travel a bit...haha! Isn't that so cute?! Luckily they are perfectly content for their travels to be back and forth between Mid-Missouri and Wichita!), so I really can't complain. And now that I'm in the hospital, it's practically impossible to be lonely. The staff has taken such amazing care of us and are in and out of my room all of the time making sure I don't need anything, bringing me meds, checking my vitals, getting me fresh water (they have Sonic ice here, so basically I'm living the life of luxury!), etc. Honestly, the last week and a half have flown by, and I'm confident the next three or four will as well. I'm just so grateful to still be pregnant with all four babies, and every time I'm overwhelmed or uncomfortable or think I can't do it anymore, I'm reminded of what a miracle this whole journey is and everything seems more manageable.

In other miraculous news, Lena is still fighting the good fight, and I'm feeling more hopeful about her situation than I have in six weeks. Dr. Jackson told me this morning that after he looked at her ultrasound report last week, he was really impressed with her blood flow, and it didn't look as bad as it did the Friday I was admitted!! She's also been really wiggly the last three days when they've looked at her, her heartbeat remains strong, and in my mama opinion (which amounts to a hill of beans, medically, but brings me comfort nonetheless), I think her fluid level looks better and she looks a little bigger this week than she did last week. It's truly nothing short of miraculous...here's lookin' at you, prayer warriors, encouragement givers, and Lena lovers. Please keep praying. I truly believe God is hearing us and doing amazing things in this little girl's life. As I mentioned in my Saturday post, God is good and no matter what happens with this tiny peanut, I pray that her life - no matter how long or short it may be - brings Him so much glory and that people would know His goodness because of her.

Now that we are nearing the end of this pregnancy, we're turning the corner emotionally to think about what happens when the babies get here. We met with the neonatalogist and the social worker from the NICU the day we got here, and have since met with a NICU nurse and visited with the social worker several more times. To be honest with you, it's completely overwhelming to think about. There are so, SO many things that will be stacked against these babies when they get here, but everyone we've met with from the NICU has been incredible and encouraging and has assured us they will do everything they can to help these kiddos thrive. Starting with proper staffing of the delivery room. Each baby will have their own doctor and team of nurses, which means there will probably be a total of about 40 medical staff in the delivery room with us between each of their teams and mine. Apparently there's a flow chart somewhere of who's doing what when that time comes, which is so weird to me, but also super comforting that they have such a detailed plan already laid out for our care. I'm telling you. These people are wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.

After the babies come, they will swoop them off to the NICU to intubate them and get their care started immediately. In addition to their lung and brain development, one thing I hadn't considered is that their skin probably won't be ready for the outside world and will make them highly susceptible to infections. The neonatologist explained the intricate balance of heat and humidity that they will monitor in their isolettes to accommodate for their underdeveloped skin and said it will probably look like we're growing our babies in terrariums, and we'll have to wipe the condensation off of their tiny glass cages to see them. Precious little reptile babies, :) The other thing he told us that was really helpful to know is that the chance of any of them coming home before their "due date" (I use that term loosely, being that we've never really had one, but had this been a singleton pregnancy, November 25 would have been it) is slim to none. So, we at least know now that we are looking to start the process of bringing them home at the end of November. In the meantime, we will get to come visit and spend the days with them as often and as long as we'd like. Once they are big enough and stable enough, Nick and I will get to begin kangaroo care with them (skin to skin holding) to further help with their development. Although they did tell us that kangaroo care is a 1-3 hour commitment since it takes so much work to get them out of their isolettes and unhooked enough for it to be comfortable for them. Oh, bummer. Snuggle my babies for hours at a time. Twist my arm. I mean, if it's what's best for them, I suppose we'll do it. :) We've learned a million other things, but I should let Nick do a guest post for that info...he's a sponge and soaks all of that in and can regurgitate it like a champ. I, on the other hand, barely remember what day it is right now.

That's about all we know right now, but before I end this post, two things -

1. Another belly picture for those of you who've been asking (which I can't believe I'm putting on the internet...know that I love you since I'm doing this sans make up, hair undone, and in my jammies). You're welcome. :)

2. Last, and MOST importantly, A VERY happy birthday to the first baby who stole my heart. My incredibly smart, fun, athletic, hilarious, beautiful niece, Natalie turns 9 today.  Natty Girl, if Mavis and Lena turn out anything like you, I would be the luckiest mommy in the whole world. I'm so proud of you - your tender heart that loves Jesus and others so very well is amazing. I hope you've had the best day ever and know that Uncle Nick, Auntie Em, Jeremiah, and the babies are celebrating you from afar today!

(um, please note that I did not take this beautiful picture, but my brother and his family's dear friend, Tonenia from Faith-Inspired Photography, did and if you're in the Wichita, KS area, you should absolutely look her up! And in the meantime, I should really look up copyright things, because now I've stolen song lyrics and a picture without permission. I'm married to a lawyer...you'd think I could get my act together enough to figure these kinds of things out...)

Some Other Things We've Learned.

Good morning!

I don't have anything new or different to report today (which is a good thing right now...boring and stable is my favorite!), but for those of you who may be interested, I thought I might post about all the fun stuff we've learned in the week we've been here. Hold onto your hats...I'm a fountain of knowledge today! :)

Obviously the first obstacle we're facing is keeping the babies in for as long as possible. There are two things that could cause them to do the C-Section right away, and that would be the babies' health (are they in distress, would it be better for them to be out as opposed to in at this point, etc.) and then my health (have I gone preeclamptic and it's no longer safe for any of us that they remain in). The third thing that could send us to delivery would be if my body just goes into preterm labor and they can't stop it. That's the one that scares me the most, and I'm praying that my uterus and cervix can just hold it together until the doctors decide it's time. I'm not having very many contractions (that I can feel anyway) and my blood pressure has been really good for the most part, so I'm hoping that means I'm not going to be the one to cause the babies to come too soon.

Now that we've reached viability, each baby has a 50% chance of survival. Every week after this gains us 10% on survival odds, so I'm still pulling for 30 weeks. The doctors have all said they're going for 29, but I say, "go big or go home." And I don't plan to go home for at least 6 more weeks, so we're going big. :) Mavis, Amos, and Oliver are all doing amazingly well. They are gaining weight, have great heartbeats, and are constantly moving (which I'm FINALLY starting to be able to feel...amazing!). Because we see them so often, I feel like I have an idea of what their personalities will be like, so it will be fun to see if I'm right or not. Mavis is totally going to be our typical oldest child, type A, mother hen (we'll see how that goes over with Jeremiah). She's strong and feisty and holding up the fort and is also a total people pleaser. Anytime the sonographer needs her in a different position she quickly obliges as if she can hear what is being asked of her and obeys accordingly. Totally her father's daughter. :) The two boys, on the other hand, are going to be just like me. Ornery enough to keep life interesting, but sweet enough to get away with it (I'm the youngest and am fully aware of the power I've always held in being so). :) Amos is so super sweet. He's always cuddly and has his hands up by his face, begging to be held and squeezed and loved (and also I've always thought he looks just like Nick. He has the most beautiful profile and is always willing to show it off, but this week we got to see a 3D view of him, and my thoughts about him having his daddy's face were totally confirmed!). He's also a pleaser and literally does whatever is needed of him by the sonographer without her ever having to ask. It's like he knows what's coming next and is like, "oh, you want my heartbeat? Let me turn ever so slightly so you can get it. Oh, now you'd like to see me fill my stomach and bladder? Coming right up!" But also, he and Oliver are in a constant wrestling match. All. The. Time. If they're not headbutting each other, they're kicking each other, and if they aren't kicking each other, one of them has their elbow in the other's face. Such little boys already. Oliver strikes me as a typical middle child. He is always in the other kids' pictures as if to say, "don't forget about me! I'm here too! Aren't I so cute? Look at my foot! Or my hand! Or my face! Or even my tiny cute baby buns! Just look at me!!" I will always look at you, buddy. Promise, promise.

Sweet little Lena, on the other hand...I worry about her so much. The doctors have been really honest with us that because the other babies are doing so well, there could come a point where we could lose her, but would need to let it be to allow the other babies the opportunity to continue growing and have a greater chance at survival outside of the womb. That possibility weighs heavy on us and every day we get with her is such a gift. The doctors just came in to do their daily look at the babies and she's still got a strong heartbeat! Praise God!! Again, every day is a gift. She's been curled up in her same little spot for at least 8 weeks, not moving much, but fighting so, so hard to keep on keepin' on. She's our tiny peanut girl who will get away with anything and everything because she's had to fight so hard to make it, and her daddy and I will totally let her. Emotionally, she has been the hardest part of this pregnancy. How do you hold on to hope, knowing that God absolutely can sustain her, but also prepare for the worst, knowing that medically the cards are stacked against her? How do you mourn her set backs and challenges and still celebrate the other babies victories? We just love her so much and the thought of losing her is so devastating, but I know that the fact that by the grace of God my body has kept three of the four babies thriving is nothing to take for granted either. It is a super weird place to be in, but at the end of the day, we just cling to what we know and that is the Truth that God is good. And he is good no matter what. He loves this tiny girl who he created more than Nick or I ever could, and for that we are so grateful. If he chooses to take her back before we get to raise her, we know that it is for her good and His glory, and we rest in knowing that by doing so he is saving her from a life of pain. In the midst of our own pain, we can praise Him for that. Only God knows what the future holds, and in the middle of our uncertainty, that brings us more peace than we can explain. So we wait, and we pray, and we trust that God CAN pull Lena through this but if he doesn't, we'll all be okay. It will hurt and we will mourn, but we serve a God who weeps with us and walks through pain with us, and we will eventually all be okay.

So this actually turned into a fountain of my own thoughts and musings as opposed to what we've learned, so maybe I'll save our NICU info for another day! I know I say this a whole lot, but it just can't be said enough. Thank you. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you. The outpouring of love you all have shown us is jaw-dropping, and we so desperately wish we could thank you all properly. Every share, "like", and comment on Facebook; every card, care package, and trinket for Jeremiah that comes in the mail; every text, call and voicemail - all of it is received with such gratitude and is such an encouragement to this tired mommy and daddy. Please know that. We didn't anticipate this. We didn't plan for this. To be honest, we didn't want this (nobody wants four children at a time...that's just insanity!). I honestly started this blog as a way to keep our out of town friends and family up to speed on what was going on (and also make some jokes about getting on Ellen or the Today Show), and I'm overwhelmed that it's turned into this crazy forum where strangers have become friends and the family of God has rallied around us in ways we couldn't have ever imagined. Thank you for reminding us that we are not alone. We thank God for each of you and can't wait until these babies are here and we can tell them about all of the people who prayed them through this pregnancy safely.

24 Weeks!!!

Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry this post is so long in coming, but lest you think I'm bored in the hospital, I'm totally not. Things are WILD here! :) I've got nurses, doctors, neonatologists, NICU nurses, social workers, dietitians, anesthesiologists, blood drawers, IV changers, and food service workers in and out of my room all the time.  Literally. All the time. The blood draw girls come in at 4:00am (so the results can be in by the time the doctors make their morning rounds), which is pretty great, especially if you're into being stabbed in the middle of the night, which I totally am. At least they're all really nice and make it as quick and painless as possible. In fact, everyone we've met here has been so, SO kind, which has made being here much more bearable. To be honest, I'm just so in awe that not only did we have the most amazing care at Dr. Grant's office, but we are getting incredible care here as well. And of course, my sweet girls at Dr. Grant's have been so faithful to check in with me and see how we're doing. I don't take it for granted that we've had nothing but the best care during this pregnancy!

Let's get to the good stuff - the babies are still cooking and we made it to our first huge milestone!! Yesterday was viability day!! 24 WEEKS!! I can't even believe we are finally here!! I know we still have so far to go before we're "out of danger" (in fact, that's not really even a thing), but every day is a victory at this point, and we are so, so grateful to be at this point. The doctors have been coming in first thing in the morning to take a quick look at the babies to make sure they all have good heartbeats, but yesterday we got to go to the clinic (that's right...I took a wheelchair ride to the other side of the hospital. In my jammies. Like a boss.) and look more closely at all of them. It took almost 2 hours, but we got to see and measure all of their little body parts, look at their fluid levels, and get an estimated weight on each of them. We also looked at Lena's blood flow, and she continues to be "intermittent absent" - meaning every once in a while the blood just stops flowing through her placenta, which sounds really scary, but they assure me isn't the worst it could be and we're okay for now. It's not great, and it's part of the reason she's so tiny, but until it becomes persistently absent or reverse, we're okay. I know so many of you are already praying so faithfully for her, but if you would continue to do so, specifically for her blood flow and growth, we would be so grateful. I mentioned it in one of my Facebook posts this weekend, but the babies have to be over a pound to have a chance at survival outside of the womb. Mavis and Amos have both gained 2 oz since we got here on Friday and are sitting at 1.5. Oliver didn't gain any, but is still at 1.3, so we'll take it. Lena, on the other hand, is only at 12 oz, so we've got some growing to do. The doctors told me on Friday that they would have liked to have seen me gain 15 more pounds at this point in my pregnancy, so they are trying to beef these babies up by putting me on a high protein diet. I'm not gonna lie...it's not my favorite thing. My belly just feels so full all the time as it is, so eating every 2 hours isn't super fun, but I will absolutely do it if it helps these tiny cats grow!

As far as my health goes, I'm doing okay. I've had some really good, easy days since I've been here, and I've had some not great, hard days too. Today is one of those hard days. I woke up at 5:00am shivering uncontrollably and achy and vomiting and we couldn't get it under control for several hours. At which point the IV girls came in to switch my IV location (I'm not attached to anything, but they have to keep a line in all the time in case of an emergency), and I immediately started throwing up again and those sweet ladies had to hold my hair back and wipe my face for me. Which all happened before they could even get the needle out of their cart. Oh, I'm a dream patient today. Luckily everyone has been so kind and no one has been outwardly mad at me for being so needy. Bless them. The doctors aren't super concerned that anything is wrong (honestly it feels more like the flu than anything pregnancy-related), but are keeping an eye on it just in case. Preeclampsia is their biggest concern with my health, and those symptoms aren't typical for that, but they are being very cautious anyway and not making me feel like a big ol baby for being so whiny today.

Other than that, I'm doing mostly okay. I'm pretty uncomfortable all the time at this point, which is to be expected. They told me that the 30 pounds I've gained is all baby and baby accouterments, so it's all hanging out right in my belly. Hooray for not being super fat everywhere, but good grief that's a lot of weight for one area of my body! If I lay still too long, all the things start to hurt and I have to heave my giant body to a different position. It's pretty glamorous. I'm also really tired all the time, but am not sleeping great at night, which, again, is totally normal and expected. It just means I cry more because, you know, crazy pregnancy hormones plus exhaustion is a recipe for disaster.

Nick and I have learned SO much about what to expect, both for the duration of the pregnancy and the babies' NICU stay, but I'm falling asleep typing this, so perhaps I'll save that for another day. Did I mention I'm so sleepy all the time?

Haha! Just kidding!! As I was typing that I was falling asleep, my nurse came in to tell me that I'm getting a new, bigger room, and a sweet girl from my church's hospital care team came to visit. See? WILD! Poor Carolyn (the nurse who I've not had yet before today and has now had to take care of my vomiting, whiny, achy self AND has had to move all my junk to a new room...pretty sure she's going to request to NEVER have me again!) is just about done with the move, so I'd better call it a day and get this posted before my big jaunt down the hall.

Thank you all so, SO much for your continued love and support. We are just overwhelmed and beyond grateful.

Rough Day, Take 12.

Hey there...just a quick update that things are kind of scary again today. Lena's fluid was better today (1.9 - so, not quite over the 2.0 mark we need it at, but significantly better than it was), but her blood flow was a little concerning. Mavis, Amos, and Oliver are all doing great still, so there is for sure at least something to celebrate. My cervix, on the other hand, continues to shorten. Today it was fluctuating between 11 and 14 mm, which is the shortest it's been. Dr. Grant was prepared to send me for another mag drip, but after looking at the pictures again, he decided it would only be to torture me (um, HUGE "thank you" for sparing me that if it's not actually going to help anything!). The purpose of the mag drip is to calm the uterus, and the pictures of the cervix indicate that it's not opening from uterine activity, which renders the mag drip useless. So, I'm at home laying as still and flat as possible in hopes that gravity will help take some of the pressure and weight off of my cervix and it will close back up a little bit.

I am absolutely confident that God is still in the business of miracles, but I'm also aware that my sweet medical team thinks I've probably only got 2-3 weeks left of keeping these babies in. So, I'm still praying for 30 weeks but will take whatever God brings our way, knowing that He is always, always good. Nick and I take comfort in His love for both us and these babies, which far exceeds anything we can comprehend. Thank you for praying along with us...we are so blessed.

Here's the babies at 23 weeks. We're getting big, but I would LOVE the opportunity to be bigger. Come on, babies. Hold on a few more weeks!!

Funny Jokes

So, here's a fun thing that happened as I hit "publish" on Friday's celebratory post...as if to remind me not to get too comfortable, even with a good report that day, I got a huge cramp all the way across my belly and it tightened up and felt super weird and uncomfortable. It lasted for 3 hours before I finally got scared enough to call the on-call doctor at the hospital. I promise I wouldn't have waited that long had it been during the day, but of course it started at 5:00pm as Dr. Grant's office was closing for the weekend, and I got scared of what was happening and then scared of calling and it was a whole deal. I'll spare you the details of my interaction with the on-call doctor, but suffice it to say that it wasn't super helpful and I ended up not going in. So then I laid in my bed and cried all night because I was afraid I hurt my babies and that Dr. Grant would be so mad at me for not coming in to the hospital like he told me to and all these pregnancy hormones make me feel crazy and...have I mentioned that my husband is a saint?

Anyway, the cramp did go away around 9:30pm with the suggestions the on-call doctor made but I felt like I should call yesterday and ask Jamie (my best friend nurse) how much trouble I was going to be in with Dr. Grant when I saw him today. Turns out I wasn't in trouble at all!! Huzzah! They were SO very kind to me (of course) and felt so awful that I didn't feel like I should go to the hospital on Friday night. They asked me to come in then so they could just take a look and make sure all of the babies and my cervix were okay, and praise the Lord, all is well. Sweet Lena girl's fluid level was back under 1.0, but not as bad as it was at 0.5, so we are decreasing the indocine again to see if that helps. Thankfully her little heartbeat continues to be so strong and her blood flow was better again yesterday, so I'm feeling hopeful about her situation. My cervix was fluctuating between 29 and 16 mm, but even when it was more open, it wasn't nearly as wide of an opening as it generally has been, so Dr. Grant felt good about that. All in all, we got a good report yesterday and I didn't do any damage to the babies by not going in to the hospital on Friday night. And because they are amazing, they gave me some other phone numbers to try rather than calling the on-call doctor (who probably knows exactly what to do with a normal pregnancy but maybe not with quads...weird, right?) and told me exactly what and where to feel for things in my belly should I get into trouble after hours again. So, big sigh of relief after the surprise appointment yesterday.

In other news, I now get to go see my friends THREE times a week! WHAT? I am the luckiest! They will start seeing me every Monday/Wednesday/Friday now in an effort to keep these babies in my belly and me out of the hospital for as long as possible. As is the nature of being in a hospital, my primary care team would lose some control of my care, and well, you all know how obsessed with them I am. I would literally go see them every day of the week to keep Dr. Grant, Jamie, and Annie in my life - they have worked so very hard to keep me healthy and the babies cooking, and I would do anything to be in their hands for several more weeks. Poor Mari, who does the scheduling (which means she is now rearranging my appointments for the THIRD time), offered to get me a desk next to her and give me some work to do since I'm gonna be there so much. I told her not to tempt me. :)

Thank you so much for praying!! We are getting so close!! We are 23 weeks tomorrow, which means one more week until viability and 5-7 more weeks until we're in the safe zone. Emotionally, I'm completely wiped, and physically, I'm getting really uncomfortable and really tired. Literally, I sleep ALL the time right now! If you have grandiose ideas of all the things I'm getting done/read/colored/watched with my time on bed rest, I'm super sorry to disappoint you. I had super grandiose ideas of that too. Or at least of keeping up with my thank you notes - I owe them to hundreds of you, and feel AWFUL that I haven't done them yet!! Know that in my heart I am SO grateful for all the things you sweet people have done to love and encourage us and the notes are the nicest, cutest, most well-written thank yous you ever did see. Someday, right? Someday I'll have the energy to function like a normal human again?! I mean, probably not for a year, but surely the itty bitty babies will come home from the NICU and start sleeping through the night and something in our life will feel normal again?!? Maybe?! :) But truly, I cannot complain. If the worst thing I can say is that I'm uncomfortably large and super sleepy, I'll take it. God has been so faithful to sustain us throughout this entire pregnancy, and we are just grateful to still have four babies to look forward to meeting this fall!

I'm Home!!

Good grief. This whole thing is just wild, and my emotions are frazzled. For the last three days, I have been weeping uncontrollably (just ask sweet Nick. I may or may not have woke him up from crying so hard last night...um, oops?) and just sure I was headed to the hospital. Today? Tears of joy. Lena's fluid is back up to 1.6 today (up from .5 on Tuesday) and her blood flow is still "ok"!! Praise God! I am just in shock!!  We still need her fluid level to be back above 2 to be in the "safe zone," but the fact that it is back up so much is definitely cause to celebrate. My blood pressure was actually good today too and my preeclamptic lab work came back completely normal (meaning I'm not at risk for preeclampsia right now, which is a huge win). My cervix is still being kind of tricky, and was fluctuating between 14 and 32, but did hold steady in the upper 20's/lower 30's for a good portion of the time Annie was monitoring it. So, Dr. Grant was okay with that for today and said I didn't have to go to the hospital to get a mag drip. Suffice it to say I was pumping my fists and cheering ("I'm going home!! Girls! I'm going home!! This is my best day!" Very mature. Very adult-like.) with all of my people on the way out.

Speaking of my people, one of you ratted me out to them that I've been keeping a blog, so I had to confess to them that I talk about them like they're my very best friends (um, they are) because now they're probably going to read this and see what a maniac I am. But it's true. Annie, Jamie, Diane, Merritt, Mari, Dr. Grant, and the rest of the team - I am totally obsessed with you all and think the world of you. Working at a high risk office has to be one of the most stressful jobs, where delivering sad, hard news is probably a daily occurrence for you, and yet you handle it with such grace and poise. From the time I check in with Merritt to the time I check out with Mari, I feel like I have been treated with such kindness, and even on the hard days you help me find something to laugh about. Truly. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!! You have made the last 16 weeks so much easier on all of us, and we wouldn't want to be in anyone else's hands but yours. Also, if you read back through this and find my reporting of the medical facts to be inaccurate, I'm super sorry. I try to be so good at retelling what you tell me, but it's always a really lot of information. And well, I haven't used my thinking brain in weeks and it's turning to mush.

So, I haven't posted updated pictures of the little guffers in a while, but we got some good ones today, so here you are:

This is sweet Amos's profile. Isn't he so handsome?! That "bubble" he's blowing? Oh, that's Oliver's head. They are all up in each other's business these days, and it's so precious. I envision them wrestling around already and feel like this is a sneak peak into what they're going to be like in the future.

This. This is tiny peanut girl, Lena. We haven't gotten a good picture of her in SO long. But today? She was actually wiggling around a little bit as if to assure Grandma  (my emotional support for today's appointment) and I that she's okay, and Annie was able to capture this photo of her (with her head face down on the right and her cute little spine running across the top of the picture). I'm so, so grateful that my mom and I got to see her squirm a bit today, and I will treasure this picture in the days and weeks ahead. On the days I worry about her and wonder if she and I can do this, I will look at this and remember what a fierce baby she is and trust that she's fighting even harder than I am to make it.

This is little Mavis's precious skeletor face looking right at us. I just love her. She's the one closest to the exit and has the job of holding all the other kids up. At least that's how I envision it working. I feel like she is going to be strong and feisty and boss the other babies around for the rest of their lives. I like that about her.

Sweet friends. I really can't thank you enough for the outpouring of encouragement, support, and prayers you have offered us, especially in the last three days. I am 1000% confident that Lena and I got good reports today because of you, and Nick and I couldn't be more grateful for the love you continually show us. Thank you for fighting alongside us, lifting us up in prayer, and traveling this crazy road through all the ups and downs for these last 5 months with us. For today, we take comfort in knowing that things are better, and we will enjoy that while we can. God is so good to us.

Rough Day

Yesterday was a particularly hard one as we got exactly zero positive news from my appointment. Lena's fluid is all the way down to 0.5 (normal is above 2 and all three of the other babies are in the upper 3's/lower 4's), and her blood flow continues to be an issue. In addition to my cervix being consistently 17 mm yesterday, my blood pressure is still high and there was protein in my urine, all of which are indicators for possible preterm labor. Because of all of these factors, Dr. Grant advised me to come to my appointment on Friday with a bag packed for the hospital, as he might send me for another mag drip. As unenthusiastic as I am about the potential of another round of the magnesium, I will absolutely do it if it's what's best for Lena. Because I'm on the lower dose of the indocine and both her fluid level and my cervix continue to be an issue, we will likely need to try something that would be easier on her and still calm my uterus and cervix down. So, I'm preparing myself for a rotten weekend, but it's absolutely okay. I would (obviously!) do anything to protect those babies and fight as hard as I can for sweet Lena girl, even if it means feeling like I've been run over by a truck for a couple of days.

In addition to the facts, Dr. Grant was again very honest about all of the things that could happen in the next few weeks, none of which are too exciting to think about. Because we are at 22 weeks today, we HAVE to keep these babies in for two more weeks to give any of them a shot at life. If my body doesn't get it together, it could force labor sooner than that and we would lose all of them. If my body can make it for another couple of weeks and would then go into preterm labor, there's still no guarantee that the babies could make it outside of the womb, but at least they would have a chance. And because of her fluid levels and blood flow issues, Lena may not make it at all, and we could lose her in utero at any point. So, we're feeling pretty discouraged, defeated, and exhausted right now, to be honest, and praying for miracles left and right.

Sorry this is so short, but I just wanted to give all of you faithful prayer warriors, encouragement senders, and sweet supporters the latest news from the Beydler Bunch. We appreciate you all so, so much and are continually comforted by your kindness to us. We also take comfort in God's grace to us and know that he holds all things together, even when it feels like they are falling apart around us. No matter what happens in the days ahead, we are confident that Jesus is near to us and fighting for us and that we are not walking this road alone. Not only has he provided this amazing support system that you all are to us, but he himself is faithful, and in him we find rest, even on the darkest of days.