A Quick Update

Thank you all so much for the outpouring of love and support in light of our newest development with the babies. We did get to speak with Dr. Pardalos last night (the neonatologist from the NICU) and he was so kind and caring, but essentially had the same thing to say as Dr. Jackson - there is no medical right or wrong decision right now. The good news is that he does feel confident that at Lena's size, he could intubate her, which would at least give her a fighting chance. Sadly, the reality is that none of our babies are even 2 lbs yet, and we would be risking lives if we delivered them and we would be risking lives if we left them in utero. And depending on what we find on our scan tomorrow, particularly with Oliver's blood flow, we could have to make that decision within a couple of hours. The medical teams are gathering and preparing just in case we do choose to deliver, but none of them can tell us what the best choice is. And I don't blame them. They are in the same position we are...there are no guarantees at this point in gestation and every decision we make right now is a gamble, and no one wants to be the one to make that call. So ultimately it's up to Nick and I, and we are praying so hard that God would give us wisdom beyond what we deserve and peace that passes understanding. No parent ever wants to be in this position. Both doctors and every nurse we've talked to has teared up a bit with us as we've talked about all the risks and benefits associated with these choices, and it is so overwhelming to know that they love these babies so much already that they are treating them like their own.

I've kind of checked out of communication right now, but please know how very blessed we are by all the "shares," "likes," comments, messages, texts of encouragement, and words of comfort. I'm trying to keep up, but medical staff have been in and out of our room since 3:00pm yesterday, and we're just feeling exhausted and overwhelmed and trying to create space to pray and grieve and come to peace with a decision that we aren't even sure we're going to have to make tomorrow. That's maybe one of the most awful parts is that we have to be ready to make it at any point from here on out and we just don't know when. If not tomorrow, Saturday? And if not Saturday, Tuesday? And if not Tuesday, next week? So we keep praying and hoping and asking God for a miracle, but also believing that he loves these babies so much more than we ever could and that no matter what happens, He is in control. He has not lost sight of these babies or this situation and none of this is a surprise to Him. For that we are so, SO grateful.

One of the comments that did catch my eye on Facebook last night was from a sweet friend of mine that I worked with at summer camp in college. She was praying that we would be able to make this decision without fear of judgement or opinion or guilt or regret no matter the outcome, and for that I am so thankful. Thank you, sweet friend, for praying that for us and reminding us and everyone else on our journey that this is not a position anyone ever wants to be in. And thank you, friends and family and kind strangers who have jumped in to this story with us for being so compassionate and just reminding us that we are loved and prayed for. We really can't thank you all enough for that. I was hesitant to even put this on the internet, because I know it seems like an invitation to join us in making this decision, but I'm so, SO thankful that we haven't felt any sort of judgement or condemnation from anyone about what they would do, or what we should do, or what God would do, etc. Instead, you all have been an incredible source of love and encouragement, and we are so grateful. We've been honest with you all up to now about what's going on, and we've seen miracles - especially with my health and Lena's health - and I continue to share with you all because I know it is your prayers that are holding us up right now and I'm confident you will continue to do so. We are praying for a miracle for Oliver now too, but we are also praying for peace and comfort should hard decisions need to be made in the near future. Thank you for continuing to pray for us and love us and believe in us. We serve an incredible Savior and we are clinging to him for peace, wisdom, guidance, and comfort now more than ever.