Rough Day, Take 12.

Hey there...just a quick update that things are kind of scary again today. Lena's fluid was better today (1.9 - so, not quite over the 2.0 mark we need it at, but significantly better than it was), but her blood flow was a little concerning. Mavis, Amos, and Oliver are all doing great still, so there is for sure at least something to celebrate. My cervix, on the other hand, continues to shorten. Today it was fluctuating between 11 and 14 mm, which is the shortest it's been. Dr. Grant was prepared to send me for another mag drip, but after looking at the pictures again, he decided it would only be to torture me (um, HUGE "thank you" for sparing me that if it's not actually going to help anything!). The purpose of the mag drip is to calm the uterus, and the pictures of the cervix indicate that it's not opening from uterine activity, which renders the mag drip useless. So, I'm at home laying as still and flat as possible in hopes that gravity will help take some of the pressure and weight off of my cervix and it will close back up a little bit.

I am absolutely confident that God is still in the business of miracles, but I'm also aware that my sweet medical team thinks I've probably only got 2-3 weeks left of keeping these babies in. So, I'm still praying for 30 weeks but will take whatever God brings our way, knowing that He is always, always good. Nick and I take comfort in His love for both us and these babies, which far exceeds anything we can comprehend. Thank you for praying along with us...we are so blessed.

Here's the babies at 23 weeks. We're getting big, but I would LOVE the opportunity to be bigger. Come on, babies. Hold on a few more weeks!!

Funny Jokes

So, here's a fun thing that happened as I hit "publish" on Friday's celebratory post...as if to remind me not to get too comfortable, even with a good report that day, I got a huge cramp all the way across my belly and it tightened up and felt super weird and uncomfortable. It lasted for 3 hours before I finally got scared enough to call the on-call doctor at the hospital. I promise I wouldn't have waited that long had it been during the day, but of course it started at 5:00pm as Dr. Grant's office was closing for the weekend, and I got scared of what was happening and then scared of calling and it was a whole deal. I'll spare you the details of my interaction with the on-call doctor, but suffice it to say that it wasn't super helpful and I ended up not going in. So then I laid in my bed and cried all night because I was afraid I hurt my babies and that Dr. Grant would be so mad at me for not coming in to the hospital like he told me to and all these pregnancy hormones make me feel crazy and...have I mentioned that my husband is a saint?

Anyway, the cramp did go away around 9:30pm with the suggestions the on-call doctor made but I felt like I should call yesterday and ask Jamie (my best friend nurse) how much trouble I was going to be in with Dr. Grant when I saw him today. Turns out I wasn't in trouble at all!! Huzzah! They were SO very kind to me (of course) and felt so awful that I didn't feel like I should go to the hospital on Friday night. They asked me to come in then so they could just take a look and make sure all of the babies and my cervix were okay, and praise the Lord, all is well. Sweet Lena girl's fluid level was back under 1.0, but not as bad as it was at 0.5, so we are decreasing the indocine again to see if that helps. Thankfully her little heartbeat continues to be so strong and her blood flow was better again yesterday, so I'm feeling hopeful about her situation. My cervix was fluctuating between 29 and 16 mm, but even when it was more open, it wasn't nearly as wide of an opening as it generally has been, so Dr. Grant felt good about that. All in all, we got a good report yesterday and I didn't do any damage to the babies by not going in to the hospital on Friday night. And because they are amazing, they gave me some other phone numbers to try rather than calling the on-call doctor (who probably knows exactly what to do with a normal pregnancy but maybe not with quads...weird, right?) and told me exactly what and where to feel for things in my belly should I get into trouble after hours again. So, big sigh of relief after the surprise appointment yesterday.

In other news, I now get to go see my friends THREE times a week! WHAT? I am the luckiest! They will start seeing me every Monday/Wednesday/Friday now in an effort to keep these babies in my belly and me out of the hospital for as long as possible. As is the nature of being in a hospital, my primary care team would lose some control of my care, and well, you all know how obsessed with them I am. I would literally go see them every day of the week to keep Dr. Grant, Jamie, and Annie in my life - they have worked so very hard to keep me healthy and the babies cooking, and I would do anything to be in their hands for several more weeks. Poor Mari, who does the scheduling (which means she is now rearranging my appointments for the THIRD time), offered to get me a desk next to her and give me some work to do since I'm gonna be there so much. I told her not to tempt me. :)

Thank you so much for praying!! We are getting so close!! We are 23 weeks tomorrow, which means one more week until viability and 5-7 more weeks until we're in the safe zone. Emotionally, I'm completely wiped, and physically, I'm getting really uncomfortable and really tired. Literally, I sleep ALL the time right now! If you have grandiose ideas of all the things I'm getting done/read/colored/watched with my time on bed rest, I'm super sorry to disappoint you. I had super grandiose ideas of that too. Or at least of keeping up with my thank you notes - I owe them to hundreds of you, and feel AWFUL that I haven't done them yet!! Know that in my heart I am SO grateful for all the things you sweet people have done to love and encourage us and the notes are the nicest, cutest, most well-written thank yous you ever did see. Someday, right? Someday I'll have the energy to function like a normal human again?! I mean, probably not for a year, but surely the itty bitty babies will come home from the NICU and start sleeping through the night and something in our life will feel normal again?!? Maybe?! :) But truly, I cannot complain. If the worst thing I can say is that I'm uncomfortably large and super sleepy, I'll take it. God has been so faithful to sustain us throughout this entire pregnancy, and we are just grateful to still have four babies to look forward to meeting this fall!

I'm Home!!

Good grief. This whole thing is just wild, and my emotions are frazzled. For the last three days, I have been weeping uncontrollably (just ask sweet Nick. I may or may not have woke him up from crying so hard last night...um, oops?) and just sure I was headed to the hospital. Today? Tears of joy. Lena's fluid is back up to 1.6 today (up from .5 on Tuesday) and her blood flow is still "ok"!! Praise God! I am just in shock!!  We still need her fluid level to be back above 2 to be in the "safe zone," but the fact that it is back up so much is definitely cause to celebrate. My blood pressure was actually good today too and my preeclamptic lab work came back completely normal (meaning I'm not at risk for preeclampsia right now, which is a huge win). My cervix is still being kind of tricky, and was fluctuating between 14 and 32, but did hold steady in the upper 20's/lower 30's for a good portion of the time Annie was monitoring it. So, Dr. Grant was okay with that for today and said I didn't have to go to the hospital to get a mag drip. Suffice it to say I was pumping my fists and cheering ("I'm going home!! Girls! I'm going home!! This is my best day!" Very mature. Very adult-like.) with all of my people on the way out.

Speaking of my people, one of you ratted me out to them that I've been keeping a blog, so I had to confess to them that I talk about them like they're my very best friends (um, they are) because now they're probably going to read this and see what a maniac I am. But it's true. Annie, Jamie, Diane, Merritt, Mari, Dr. Grant, and the rest of the team - I am totally obsessed with you all and think the world of you. Working at a high risk office has to be one of the most stressful jobs, where delivering sad, hard news is probably a daily occurrence for you, and yet you handle it with such grace and poise. From the time I check in with Merritt to the time I check out with Mari, I feel like I have been treated with such kindness, and even on the hard days you help me find something to laugh about. Truly. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!! You have made the last 16 weeks so much easier on all of us, and we wouldn't want to be in anyone else's hands but yours. Also, if you read back through this and find my reporting of the medical facts to be inaccurate, I'm super sorry. I try to be so good at retelling what you tell me, but it's always a really lot of information. And well, I haven't used my thinking brain in weeks and it's turning to mush.

So, I haven't posted updated pictures of the little guffers in a while, but we got some good ones today, so here you are:

This is sweet Amos's profile. Isn't he so handsome?! That "bubble" he's blowing? Oh, that's Oliver's head. They are all up in each other's business these days, and it's so precious. I envision them wrestling around already and feel like this is a sneak peak into what they're going to be like in the future.

This. This is tiny peanut girl, Lena. We haven't gotten a good picture of her in SO long. But today? She was actually wiggling around a little bit as if to assure Grandma  (my emotional support for today's appointment) and I that she's okay, and Annie was able to capture this photo of her (with her head face down on the right and her cute little spine running across the top of the picture). I'm so, so grateful that my mom and I got to see her squirm a bit today, and I will treasure this picture in the days and weeks ahead. On the days I worry about her and wonder if she and I can do this, I will look at this and remember what a fierce baby she is and trust that she's fighting even harder than I am to make it.

This is little Mavis's precious skeletor face looking right at us. I just love her. She's the one closest to the exit and has the job of holding all the other kids up. At least that's how I envision it working. I feel like she is going to be strong and feisty and boss the other babies around for the rest of their lives. I like that about her.

Sweet friends. I really can't thank you enough for the outpouring of encouragement, support, and prayers you have offered us, especially in the last three days. I am 1000% confident that Lena and I got good reports today because of you, and Nick and I couldn't be more grateful for the love you continually show us. Thank you for fighting alongside us, lifting us up in prayer, and traveling this crazy road through all the ups and downs for these last 5 months with us. For today, we take comfort in knowing that things are better, and we will enjoy that while we can. God is so good to us.

Rough Day

Yesterday was a particularly hard one as we got exactly zero positive news from my appointment. Lena's fluid is all the way down to 0.5 (normal is above 2 and all three of the other babies are in the upper 3's/lower 4's), and her blood flow continues to be an issue. In addition to my cervix being consistently 17 mm yesterday, my blood pressure is still high and there was protein in my urine, all of which are indicators for possible preterm labor. Because of all of these factors, Dr. Grant advised me to come to my appointment on Friday with a bag packed for the hospital, as he might send me for another mag drip. As unenthusiastic as I am about the potential of another round of the magnesium, I will absolutely do it if it's what's best for Lena. Because I'm on the lower dose of the indocine and both her fluid level and my cervix continue to be an issue, we will likely need to try something that would be easier on her and still calm my uterus and cervix down. So, I'm preparing myself for a rotten weekend, but it's absolutely okay. I would (obviously!) do anything to protect those babies and fight as hard as I can for sweet Lena girl, even if it means feeling like I've been run over by a truck for a couple of days.

In addition to the facts, Dr. Grant was again very honest about all of the things that could happen in the next few weeks, none of which are too exciting to think about. Because we are at 22 weeks today, we HAVE to keep these babies in for two more weeks to give any of them a shot at life. If my body doesn't get it together, it could force labor sooner than that and we would lose all of them. If my body can make it for another couple of weeks and would then go into preterm labor, there's still no guarantee that the babies could make it outside of the womb, but at least they would have a chance. And because of her fluid levels and blood flow issues, Lena may not make it at all, and we could lose her in utero at any point. So, we're feeling pretty discouraged, defeated, and exhausted right now, to be honest, and praying for miracles left and right.

Sorry this is so short, but I just wanted to give all of you faithful prayer warriors, encouragement senders, and sweet supporters the latest news from the Beydler Bunch. We appreciate you all so, so much and are continually comforted by your kindness to us. We also take comfort in God's grace to us and know that he holds all things together, even when it feels like they are falling apart around us. No matter what happens in the days ahead, we are confident that Jesus is near to us and fighting for us and that we are not walking this road alone. Not only has he provided this amazing support system that you all are to us, but he himself is faithful, and in him we find rest, even on the darkest of days.

Little Lena

So many of you have been so faithful to follow along on this wild journey and check in with and pray for us, and we are so thankful! Sorry that I didn't get a post up on Friday after my appointment...I got home right before Jeremiah did, so I've been soaking up some sweet time with him this weekend.  I swear that every time he's gone for a few days he comes home bigger, smarter, and funnier than he left, which is just rude. Also rude? We've been playing round after round of Go Fish, Zingo, and Spot It, and he legitimately beats us 9 times out of 10 in all three games. Good thing he's so sweet or we might actually get our feelings hurt that we're getting creamed by a four year old. :)

Having Jeremiah home was good for so many reasons, one of which was that he's a nice distraction for us after a kind of rough appointment on Friday. My cervix is doing ok-ish. It was as long as 38 at one point (huzzah!) but then as short as 18 the next second (bummer), which means I was having contractions and still not feeling them (the scary part of that for me is that if I'm not feeling them, I may not know if they pick up and the babies are in danger and I should be getting to the hospital).The good news is that my cervix is still not opening up past the cerclage, so we are praising God that the surgery was successful and is keeping those babies cooking for as long as possible.

Mavis, Amos, and Oliver continue to do great! We are so thankful for their health and that they are growing and getting what they need to survive and thrive in utero, which is setting them up for success in the outside world as well. Unfortunately, little Lena didn't have a good report again. Her fluid level was down, which we can do something about by reducing the indocine to twice a day, so I'm not super worried about that. The part that scares me is that her blood flow is a concern again, and for that there's nothing medically they can do for her. So, please keep praying for her health and safety - it will absolutely be the thing that keeps her alive and fighting, and we can't thank you enough for holding all seven Beydlers up during this time, especially that tiny peanut. Dr. Grant gave me some scenarios and options that might become an issue in a few weeks, and to be honest they are scary and overwhelming. It is most certainly not a guarantee, but he wanted to give us the chance to pray and process should any of those issues arise, rather than spring them on us if it happens. As hard as it is to hear those things, I am so very grateful for a doctor who is honest with us and also believes in the power of prayer - both to change situations that seem medically impossible but also to give everyone involved peace and comfort should hard decisions have to be made.

As far as my health goes, I'm physically doing okay for now. The one thing we're having to monitor pretty closely is my blood pressure. The last several times they've taken it has been right when I get there, and it's always through the roof. They check it again after the ultrasound when I've been laying down for a while, and it's always totally fine at that point. We are hopeful that I'm just nervous about the babies before I see them, and that is the cause of the elevated blood pressure. They have only been checking it every 10 days or so, but will start to do that every time I go in from now on, which I'm thankful for. I would much rather know what's going on every few days than be uncertain for a week or two at a time.

I'm holding on to hope that Tuesday will be a better report. To be honest, I truly didn't know if we would make it this far. 21.5 weeks!! That's incredible (I mean, it hasn't been a walk in the park, but I've had four babies in my belly for five months, and that's pretty awesome), and I don't want to take one day with these babies for granted. I know they are a gift, and as scary as it is to think about the future (both getting them here safely and also parenting four infants and a preschooler at the same time), we are trying so hard to take it one day at a time. Statistically speaking, these babies should have never existed, nor should they have all made it this far, so I am resting in the knowledge that God loves them more than Nick or I ever could and that he has a plan for them. No matter what the plan is, I am so blessed to be their mommy for as long as I get to be, and for that I will always be thankful.

That a Girl!!

Praise the Lord, Lena had a MUCH better report today! Her fluid was over 3 (much better!) this time and her blood flow was also much better. She's still tiny, but she's a scrappy little fighter, and as Dr. Grant told me on Friday, "often times the little ones who've had to fight on the inside do much better on the outside than the giant couch potato babies who haven't had to work yet a day in their life." So, this mommy is feeling much more encouraged about all four of her babies today - even the couch potato ones.

As far as my cervix goes...well, as my hilarious friend, Mary, put it....stop being so dramatic, cervix. You don't always have to be the center of attention. We all know you're there and that you matter. So just, calm down. :) Silly cervix was back in the teens, but holding steady at 18-19, and it's not opening up past the cerclage, so that's a good thing. Because the babies' fluid levels were all really good today, but my cervix was a little short, we are going to go back up to 3 times a day on the indocine as well as add in a magnesium vitamin 3 times a day to see if that will settle my cervix back down. But, overall, it was a really good report today.

In other good news, I think this might be my chance to get on the Today Show (if you missed the first couple of blog entries, you may not know that my whole goal in starting a blog - other than to keep my friends and family up-to-date on the babies' well-being - was to get on the morning show circuit. And now that Natalie, Savannah, Matt, Al, Willie, Tamron, Dylan, and Carson are my best friends and constant companions, I feel like this has to happen. Surely if I can get on the Today Show, some company would want to give these tiny babes some diapers or formula, right?). So, Ellie Kemper, of the St. Louis and Kansas City Kempers and of Bridesmaids' fame, is filling in on the third hour of of the Today Show, and surely - SURELY - someone knows her. Right?! This didn't even occur to me until this morning when she had to fill in for Al doing the weather and was hilariously horrible at it, BUT she said, "oh! St. Louis! I can tell you what's happening there! And Jefferson City! I know my capitol!" SHE KNOWS WHERE I LIVE!! So, I'm calling in favors. If anyone knows the Kempers, maybe do me a favor and ask them if they can ask Ellie if I can be on the show? I'll even put make-up on and sit up in my bed (obviously we'll have to FaceTime until the babies get here and then we could actually go to New York. Because traveling with four infants and a preschooler is going to be a piece of cake.). And even though I'm not having the first set of quintuplet girls or two sets of identical twin girls nor am I in my 60s (all things that have happened since I got pregnant with these four babies...ugh! Why am I late to every party?!?), I DO have an amazing adopted 4.5 year old who basically makes our family infinitely cuter, just by being him. So, Ellie. Kemper family. Today Show people. If you're reading this, call me. I think you're super funny and awesome and would be the most grateful guest you've ever had. :)

Lastly, for those of you who have asked, here's what I'm looking like these days:

I'm really terrible at these pictures and don't know the rules about if you're supposed to smile or not and where you put your hand...it's all very awkward. But, there they are. Four babies at 21 weeks (tomorrow), and we're all getting bigger!

Thank you for praying for sweet Lena and the rest of the tiny gang - and for Jeremiah, Nick and I. Jeremiah is having a blast in Springfield (we knew he would!), and Nick and I are significantly less weepy about him being gone than we were on Sunday when I posted. Thank you all for your sweet reminders that he's going to be okay and for the encouragement you continue to be to Nick and I. We are so very grateful!!

Mr. Cool having the time of his life at Silver Dollar City.

This Weekend

Confession time: I'm exhausted. Dr. Grant has said over and over that bed rest will be the hardest work I ever do, but I don't think there's a way to understand that until you're doing it. There comes a point when you just don't want to ask your husband to fill your water cup again, or let your friends bring you food, or allow your mom and mother in law to vacuum your house and clean your bathrooms. And you also just can't stand to tell your sweet four year old for the millionth time that yes, you so badly would love to come to the movie and the pool with him and daddy, but you just can't.

This week has been an emotional roller coaster for sure, and there have been so, SO many positives:

• Two of my best friends came from opposite sides of the state to spend time with me on Thursday and we laughed and we cried and had so much fun catching up for a bit. 
• Jeremiah got home from another great week in Derby with my parents and his cousins, but was so excited to see us and be home for a bit (of course we want him to have fun while he's gone and are so thankful he always has a blast, but it's nice to be missed!).
• My precious friend, Karen, made me that super awesome blog header...did you see it up there?! She's the best. Thanks, sweet friend!!
• My sweet in laws came this morning, grilled lunch for us (with lots of leftovers for the week!), and took Jeremiah back to their house for an awesome week of VBS at their church, boating, fishing, Silver Dollar City (featuring the Harlem Globe Trotters...what?! Who knew they performed at SDC now?!? So fun!), and swimming.
• We got another good report on Friday and my cervix is holding steady at 23-24 (as long as it's in the 20's, we're good for now) and the three bigger babies are doing great.

But also, a lot of tears too...sweet baby Lena is having a rough time. She is baby D, and we found out at Tuesday's appointment that she is measuring about three weeks behind where she should be at this point. On Friday Dr. Grant finally said what we had been suspecting - "Baby D is just struggling and will continue to." Her fluid level is the only one that keeps fluctuating, and on Friday it was half of what the other babies were (they were in the fours and she was in the twos. Luckily two is the "ok" cut off, so it's not a huge problem for now.), and Dr. Grant mentioned something about her umbilical cord, blood flow, and placenta thickness. My mom came with me to the appointment, and we took different things away from what he said, so I need to clarify with him on Tuesday. For now Dr. Grant said it's nothing to panic about, but it's really hard not to. This sweet baby is growing in my guts and has been entrusted to my care and it feels like there should be something I could do to help her, and I can't. It's a very hard, very helpless feeling.

Also getting me right in the feels is that this pregnancy is starting to take an emotional toll on my sweet boy, and that is maybe one of the hardest things to deal with as a momma. Maybe it's because I feel like he's the one kiddo whose happiness and well-being I can do something about at this point, but I feel like I'm failing. I know we are doing the best we can, and when you go on bed rest half way through your pregnancy and have surprise surgery, you just do what you've gotta do, but it doesn't mean we have to like it (this is me being super pouty again). Thursday after he got home, he was crying for me to come snuggle with him when he went to bed. Of course I did (I mean, what's the difference...laying in my bed or laying in his bed? Same thing, right?), and he whimpered through his tears, "I'm just ready for these babies to be out of your tummy already." And then today when I was hugging him goodbye again, he said, "Mommy, do you still love me?" Oh my gosh. Kid, you're killing me. Literally, you're killing me. I mean, homeboy is having the time of his life with both sets of grandparents...don't feel too sorry for us. But my biggest fear has been that as a child who has dealt with so much transition already that he would start to question our love for him or his place in our family. Luckily GMa sent me this picture from about two hours after they got to Springfield, so clearly he's not hurting too badly. 

Please don't get me wrong - we are SO grateful for our parent's help and willingness to give him an awesome summer when we aren't able to (and he really is having a blast. He told us on Friday - less than 24 hours after he got home -  that he missed Derby, so obviously he's not too broken up about his summer travels.). I'm just an emotional trainwreck right now, so I'm struggling with feeling like I'm doing anything that might be in his best interest this summer. Oh, hormones. Thank you for making me crazier than I already was.

Thank you for continuing to pray for us. When we feel overwhelmed by this whole thing, we look at the pile of cards and the list of people bringing meals and the mountain of gifts in the nursery and are reminded of the amazing gift we've been given in having so many people traveling this road with us. Thank you for holding us up when we are tired and scared and don't know how we're going to make it another week. We are grateful beyond words.

Healthy Babies!

Oh man. Today was pretty intense, but after a million hours of counting fingers, measuring bellies, and looking at blood flow and umbilical cord placement, we got mostly great news from Dr. Grant!! Mavis, Amos, and Oliver are all measuring within the 19-20 week range (we're 20 weeks tomorrow) and all of their things are in the right places. Amos' umbilical cord placement is a little off, but apparently that's pretty normal for "multifetal gestation" (have I mentioned lately that I LOVE Dr. Grant?! One of my favorite things is that he never abbreviates anything...he uses the technical term for all the things and it's super precious.), and usually only causes problems during labor. Which I won't be having (hooray for a C Section?! I guess?!), so no big deal for us. The only red flag is that Lena is indeed lagging behind, size-wise. Luckily, she is symmetrically small, which Dr. Grant assures us makes her tiny peanut status less scary. She's only measuring at 17 weeks, so about three weeks behind, but all of her parts are looking okay and we will just keep praying she's able to catch up!! Poor sweet baby...she couldn't get the camera to herself today. Someone's face/foot/hand/belly was in her shot the entire time Annie was trying to measure her. No wonder she can't grow...everyone stop touching your sister! Stay on your side!

They also measured my cervix today and it was consistently in the 20's, which Dr. Grant said is just fine for now. I'll go again on Friday to measure that and check on the babies' fluid levels (Lena's was better today, so that's a huge praise!). All in all it was a great (albeit long and exhausting) visit, and we got several "Congratulations!" and "I think you're doing just great!"s today!! WHAT?!? "Just great"?!?! I can't even believe it!! This roller coaster we are on is insane, but I can say with 100% certainty that your prayers, love, and encouragement are what's sustaining us, and we are beyond grateful.

Other highlights from today?! So glad you asked...

• I got to eat AT Chipotle. As in, I set foot in another building besides the doctor's office, hospital, or my house for the first time in a month. I loved that burrito so much today.
• We talked about where I would deliver and it remains a mystery for now, but we learned that if they come at 24-25 weeks, we'll deliver at MU's Women's and Children's (more hands on deck there, which those tiny babies will need). If we go at 28 or beyond, we'll be back at Boone (where I was last week). He failed to mention what will happen between 25-28 weeks, but we're just going to keep praying for a Boone delivery (nothing against Women's and Children's...I just want to keep these babies in as long as possible!).
• I am getting so huge that I already can't get comfortable at night. Sweet Nick asked Dr. Grant today if there was anything we could do and Dr. Grant almost giggled at him. I knew it just comes with the territory, but I so appreciate that my hubby tried to find a solution. He's the best.
• At 24 weeks, I'm going to start getting steroids to help the babies' lungs develop. So probably I'm going to be huge and full of rage. Get your visits in in the next four weeks and then steer clear of the Beydler house until those kiddos come. Hashtag roid rage.
• I took a two hour nap when we got home because apparently I no longer have the stamina to be out of my bed for 8 hours. So, here's to another sleepless night? :)

That's about it for today, and we couldn't be more grateful for a "you're doing just great" report from the doctor. That is WAY more than we could have asked for or thought possible after the last couple of weeks, so we will rest in that for today and take what comes tomorrow when it gets here.

Thank you again for your love and support! We are so grateful!!

Grateful.

Thank you all so, SO much for praying, encouraging, supporting, and loving us. We are continually overwhelmed by your kindness and find ourselves whispering as we fall asleep at night, "if they find out how weird we really are, they won't be so kind..." :) Truly, we would not be here without you all.

We had a better day today and a relatively boring appointment - which we will absolutely take at this point! I'm still having small contractions, but Dr. Grant is okay with them for now. My cervix is much longer than it was last week, and even when it contracts is still a little longer than it was on Wednesday (okay, so it's only by 1 mm, but still. We're calling that a victory.). He is also "pleased with how the cerclage looks" and says we are okay for another day. Huzzah!!

They looked quickly at all the babies to get a heart beat and measure the pocket of fluid for each of them, and that was also mostly good. Tiny peanut Lena (Baby D - she's been a little bit smaller than the rest of the babies throughout this entire pregnancy, so naturally, she's going to be the fighter), has a really small pocket of fluid around her, which we knew was a risk with the indocine (the anti-contraction medicine). So, Dr. Grant is taking that down to two times a day (as opposed to three), and we will see how that works for both the contractions and her fluid level.

Nick and I go back tomorrow for the four hour morphology scan, so we will know much more about the babies then. They will count all their fingers and toes, look at their size and their organs, measure their fluid sacs, etc. It will be a long day, but I'm so excited to know how they're all doing, so I'm pumped for it.

Other than that, Dr. Grant wants to see me on Friday and then again on every Tuesday and Friday moving forward and that's about it for today. Because we're in a balancing act of doing what's best for the babies and doing what's best for my cervix (which is ultimately what's best for them), he wants to be able to look twice a week and adjust accordingly. I'm totally fine with that - it gets me out of the house more AND I'm not in the hospital. So, winning all around. :)

It's not the very best news, but it's definitely not the very worst, and I feel like at this point, "not the very worst" might be the best we're going to get, so I will be so thankful for it and praise God for protecting these tiny babies for another day.

I wasn't feeling funny yesterday so I didn't mention it, but we actually laughed a whole lot in the hospital (pregnancy is just gross. If you can't laugh about it, you'll cry about it, and I'm doing plenty of that these days. So instead, I make fun of how disgusting I've become.). One of my favorite things is that now that we've known about the quads for 15 weeks and it's become much more "normal" to us, I forget how much of a freak show it actually makes me. Every doctor and nurse was taken aback by the fact that there were four babies in there when they first met us. The sweet girl who checked me in for surgery had the pleasure of weighing me, and I assumed she knew why I was there so when I got on the scales I said, "oh man...I have't done this in a while, let's see what all these babies have done to that number." After the number came up, I told Nick, "well, 27 pounds so far, honey...I guess that's what four babies at 19 weeks will do to you." And the surgery checker-inner girl laughed kind of nervously, and Nick said, "no. That's a real thing. There are four babies in her belly." And she just gasped and looked at me and at my giant belly and said, "oh. Wow. Oh, wow! Congratulations?!?" Oh, precious pumpkin. At least she didn't curse at us. That's actually my favorite reaction when people find out..."Holy sh**!!" (Sorry...I will NOT curse on my blog. You people may have gotten me to say "cervix" but I can't curse. My sweet kindergarten teacher reads this blog, and you can't curse in front of the precious man who taught you to read and write!! Sorry I even said "cervix," Mr. W!! I promise that's as vulgar as we'll get!!).

More tomorrow after our marathon day with sweet Annie (our awesome sonographer who I've decided is my best friend, for those of you who may just be jumping into this wild ride)! Two hours in the morning, two hours in the afternoon, and a lunch break between...but we get to see the babies, so I'm not mad about it. :)

It Will Be Hard

The first time we met with Dr. Grant, we were 6 weeks pregnant and had only known about the quads for 6 days. To say we were shell-shocked, scared, and overwhelmed would be an understatement. The thought of raising four more children, all of whom would come into the world at the same time, was completely terrifying to us. How would we pay for their inevitable NICU stay? How would we love, care for, and bond with all four of them? How would we feed them in the middle of the night? How would we continue to love our preschooler in the midst of the chaos? How would we provide braces and church camps and cars and college educations and weddings to four children who all needed them at the same time? How would we take them on vacation and provide outings and memories and all the things that every parent wants to give their children and be good parents to all five of our kiddos come September?! We were completely lost. I'm fairly confident we walked around like deer in the headlights for weeks after that ultrasound that confirmed we were having four babies. So when we first met with Dr. Grant, I'm certain we looked and sounded like babbling idiots. Having never been pregnant with even one child, the thought of "how would we get them here safely" wasn't necessarily on the forefront of our minds. It's not that we didn't care, it was more just something we hadn't done before and therefore had no concept of what was coming. The things we did know were overwhelming enough, so maybe it's a bit of a blessing that we hadn't considered just how hard the road to delivering them would be. But something he said has stuck with me since that day - "it will be hard. You will be huge. But you CAN do this. You can."

Just six days before that meeting, our fertility doctor, who we genuinely do appreciate and are so grateful to, was very honest with us that it was going to be a terribly difficult pregnancy. His timing may not have been the best, but his words to us when he discovered there were four sacs were along the lines of, "this will be so terribly hard. You see these happy endings and cute families on Facebook where the babies are all healthy and the mom is fine, but the reality is that most of these types of pregnancies end with four fetuses on a metal tray." So, that was crushing. And to be honest, made us angry with him. But after the week we've had, we have so much more compassion for him and a better understanding of where he was coming from. As a man who doesn't share our faith and our worldview, he was doing the best he could to prepare us for what was coming, even if it may not have come across as caring or compassionate at the time.

Fast forward several weeks to the last few days. Our understanding of "it will be hard" from Dr. Grant and the image of tiny babies on a metal tray from our fertility doctor became so much more clear to us as the reality of this pregnancy ending prematurely is looking us square in the face. Suddenly the fears of providing for these babies materially pale in comparison to the fear of not even having the chance to try. We have fallen head over heels in love with Mavis, Amos, Oliver, and Lena and the thought of even one of them not making it is crushing to us. But those are the waters we are swimming in these days, and I have never been so scared in all my life.

We tried to keep Facebook updated with what was going on, because so many of you praying for us, sending us words of encouragement and support, and loving us through this time is what's sustaining us. But in case you missed it, here's how the last few days have gone:

Wednesday we found out that my cervix (there. I said it. I've tried so hard to avoid putting it on the internet, but Nick and one of my awesome nurses this week made enough fun of me for calling it my trap door that I feel like I have no choice but to grow up and say the word. It's just another body part, right? I have eyes, ears, arms, legs, and a cervix. There. Said it again. Yay, me!) has thinned to only 19mm and ideally it should be in the 30's. This means in the last three weeks it has shortened by almost half and that's a trend we need to put a stop to. So, Dr. Grant decided that a cerclage (sewing up the opening of the cervix) was our best option. The problem with this procedure is that there's a risk of puncturing the babies' membranes, which could be fatal to one or all of them. So, that was a super scary proposition.

Thursday we had the surgery, and it went remarkably well. Dr. McCoy, one of Dr. Grant's partners, did the procedure and my follow up care, and did an excellent job of caring for us during this whole thing. After I came out of anesthesia, I was admitted to Labor and Delivery, where they began a magnesium drip to calm my uterus down after the surgery (it's common to have activity and contractions right after this surgery, which they need to calm down as quickly as possible so you don't go into labor from it.). Three hours into the drip, we had another scare as I had an allergic reaction to something and broke out in hives, had tingly, itchy eyes and lips, my throat started to tighten, and I began seeing spots. Total bummer, as this drip could possibly be the only thing that calms my uterus down and keeps the babies in for another few weeks. They stopped the drip, gave me some Benadryl, and within minutes I was feeling better. And completely knocked out from it. :) After I woke up, the nurses told me that Dr. McCoy and another OB/GYN they consulted both believed there was no way the reaction could have been from the magnesium, so we started up the drip again. Yay!! Kind of. Suffice it to say the magnesium drip is awful. Literally, the most horrible thing I've ever experienced. One of our nurses explained to us that its job is to suppress muscle function, which is great for the babies, as the uterus is a giant muscle, but not so great for the mommy, as the rest of her muscles suffer as well. Basically you feel like you've been run over by a bus, and I honestly wanted to die in the middle of the night when I couldn't get comfortable, my heart was racing, I felt like I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't open my mouth to talk to the nurses.

Friday morning, Dr. McCoy came by again, saw that the magnesium drip wasn't actually helping my uterus, and stopped the drip again. Praise the Lord that I started to feel human again, but so scary that the thing that was supposed to help keep the babies in wasn't doing it's job. They started me on a medicine that I had been taking at home for the same purpose in hopes that maybe it would calm my uterus down without being so hard on my body. Throughout these 24 hours they had been monitoring the activity and could see that I was having 1-2 contractions an hour and some major irritability (my uterus has been described as angry, irritable, and cranky in the last couple of days...she and I are on the rocks. Pull yourself together, uterus!!), but the danger zone is 6 or more an hour, so at least I wasn't having that many. The indocine (the other medicine), worked about the same as the magnesium drip, so we had a relatively uneventful day and got to come home Saturday morning.

***Side note: I feel at this point like I should tell you I just took a mid-post nap, and am feeling much less dramatic than I was before. But, I'm going to leave the rest of the post anyway and just let you read all the feels, if for no other reason than so you can commiserate with my sweet husband and maybe send him a "I'm really sorry your wife is such a trainwreck" text every once in a while. :)

Anyway, we did get to come home yesterday, and while I am so, SO thankful to be in my own bed/on my own couch, I am really nervous about the fact that I can't feel the contractions. The nurse's departing words to me yesterday were that should I feel any more contractions, belly tightness, lower back pain, etc., I was to get myself back to the hospital immediately. Which is all good and well if you know you're having contractions. But I was watching the monitor like a hawk the entire 48 hours it was attached to my belly, and I felt exactly one of the contractions. Just one. So, now I'm just laying here like a crazy person wondering what the heck might be going on in my belly. I may or may not have burst into tears 4 different times yesterday. Whatever, man. I just really love the Fourth of July and hated missing out on fireworks. That's what we'll blame it on. :)

I'm feeling better today, and I'm confident that it's because I was reminded of the Truth that I am not in control of this situation. Even the amazing doctors and nurses who are so skilled and kind and I absolutely believe are the hands and feet of God are not ultimately in control of this situation. Nick and I "watched church" this morning (one more reason we LOVE The Crossing is that it live streams its Sunday services, so even when I can't physically be there, I still get to worship "with" my people on a weekly basis...our church is so cool.), and we sang this song called "Sweet Comfort" that I had never heard before and was so very timely for where we are at in this journey (my apologies to Sandra McCracken if I'm not allowed to post these lyrics...I don't know the rules about copyrights and such, and I'm kind of a woman on the edge right now, so please don't sue me.):

Whatever my God ordains is right 
His holy will abides 
I will be still whatever he does 
And follow where he guides 

Chorus 
Sweet comfort, sweet comfort 
Yet shall fill my heart 
Sweet comfort, sweet comfort 
Sorrow shall depart 

Whatever my God ordains is right 
He makes my feet to stand 
Though sorrow, need, or death be mine 
He holds me in his hand (Chorus) 

This bitter cup, I take it 
My fainting heart restored 
So here I stand, unshaken 
I trust upon the Lord (Chorus) 

He is my God though dark my road 
He holds me, I shall not fall 
Whatever my God ordains as right 
To him I leave it all. (Chorus) 


Whatever my God ordains is right...He holds me in his hand. I shall not fall. To Him I leave it all. Thank you, Jesus, for that reminder. We are not in control. You are good and whatever you ordain is right and we will walk this scary road with you and you will sustain us.

I go back to Dr. Grant tomorrow to measure my cervical length and talk about what's next. Yesterday that scared me to death...I don't want to go back to the hospital, I don't want another mag drip, and I DEFINITELY don't want to lose these sweet miracle babies. But no matter what that appointment entails, "here I stand unshaken, I trust upon the Lord." So today, after a sweet reminder of Who is actually in control and a pretty decent nap, I'm not as terrified. Yes this is so super scary, but I'm trying to remember that I can only do what the doctors tell me and the rest is up to the Lord. And for that, I am so very grateful.

A Quick Update

Hi Friends,

Just a quick update to let you know that we got some more discouraging news at the doctor this morning. The length of the "trap door" has shortened again and is now only ranging between 19-22mm (it was ranging between 22-28mm last week). Ideally it would be in the 30's, and while it is a muscle that can contract and expand, it looks as though mine is trending the wrong way. So, I'm going to have surgery to sew it shut tomorrow and pray that buys us more time to keep these babies cooking. The surgery itself shouldn't be a big deal, but they are going to keep me for a day or two to do a magnesium drip, which will "settle anything we stir up during the surgery" and help keep the contractions at bay. Apparently that's the part that's not fun and will make me feel super sick...so, a throwback to first trimester? How exciting. :) The other thing about this procedure that has me really nervous is that Dr. Grant doesn't love doing them because they don't always work and at this point in gestation it could rupture a membrane and would likely be fatal to the babies. Typically they do this in the first trimester for women who have a history of problems with their trap door. But he also knows that this might be the only hope we have of getting these babies to 24 weeks (at which point they will be viable) or beyond.

I hate being such a Debbie Downer, but we covet your prayers during this time, and I'm so thankful for you all giving me space to be frustrated and lament and ask for prayers. Nick and I continue to remind ourselves (as so many of you so faithfully do as well), that ultimately God loves these precious babes more than we ever could, and He knows the story He is writing for them. There is so much we could be anxious about, but we are fighting for peace that can only come from Jesus in the midst of this storm. But, truth be told, we're struggling. In addition to the lives of these little ones, we worry about all the bouncing around and instability that this has created for Jeremiah. Which maybe wouldn't be a huge deal to a 4.5 year old who doesn't have the history of trauma and transition that our sweet pea does, but could do some major damage to our boy. The last thing we want for him is to think that because we're having four babies, he no longer has a place in our home. So would you please pray for him too? That he would feel loved and cherished by his mommy and daddy but would also have so much fun at all of the grandparents, cousins, and friend's houses who have so generously opened their doors for him that he doesn't think for one second that he's not coming home to our house?

Because I can't leave you without something super fun from today, a super creepy/awesome picture of Oliver for your viewing pleasure:

 

You guys. That's his eye lens!! He's got eye lenses!!! He's facing us with his head on the left and the big black space is his brain. Right under that? Eyeballs. And it's so creepy but so cool, and that's what I'm taking away from today's appointment. I'm remembering that these babies are growing and getting all of their tiny body parts and they have good heartbeats, and for all of that we can rejoice. Thank you for continuing to pray for them...I'm hopeful that tomorrow will go super smoothly and this will be just another way God continues to show himself faithful when we get to the other side of it. "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6: 19. We are thankful for the hope we have in Christ and are resting in that tonight.