This Weekend

Confession time: I'm exhausted. Dr. Grant has said over and over that bed rest will be the hardest work I ever do, but I don't think there's a way to understand that until you're doing it. There comes a point when you just don't want to ask your husband to fill your water cup again, or let your friends bring you food, or allow your mom and mother in law to vacuum your house and clean your bathrooms. And you also just can't stand to tell your sweet four year old for the millionth time that yes, you so badly would love to come to the movie and the pool with him and daddy, but you just can't.

This week has been an emotional roller coaster for sure, and there have been so, SO many positives:

• Two of my best friends came from opposite sides of the state to spend time with me on Thursday and we laughed and we cried and had so much fun catching up for a bit. 
• Jeremiah got home from another great week in Derby with my parents and his cousins, but was so excited to see us and be home for a bit (of course we want him to have fun while he's gone and are so thankful he always has a blast, but it's nice to be missed!).
• My precious friend, Karen, made me that super awesome blog header...did you see it up there?! She's the best. Thanks, sweet friend!!
• My sweet in laws came this morning, grilled lunch for us (with lots of leftovers for the week!), and took Jeremiah back to their house for an awesome week of VBS at their church, boating, fishing, Silver Dollar City (featuring the Harlem Globe Trotters...what?! Who knew they performed at SDC now?!? So fun!), and swimming.
• We got another good report on Friday and my cervix is holding steady at 23-24 (as long as it's in the 20's, we're good for now) and the three bigger babies are doing great.

But also, a lot of tears too...sweet baby Lena is having a rough time. She is baby D, and we found out at Tuesday's appointment that she is measuring about three weeks behind where she should be at this point. On Friday Dr. Grant finally said what we had been suspecting - "Baby D is just struggling and will continue to." Her fluid level is the only one that keeps fluctuating, and on Friday it was half of what the other babies were (they were in the fours and she was in the twos. Luckily two is the "ok" cut off, so it's not a huge problem for now.), and Dr. Grant mentioned something about her umbilical cord, blood flow, and placenta thickness. My mom came with me to the appointment, and we took different things away from what he said, so I need to clarify with him on Tuesday. For now Dr. Grant said it's nothing to panic about, but it's really hard not to. This sweet baby is growing in my guts and has been entrusted to my care and it feels like there should be something I could do to help her, and I can't. It's a very hard, very helpless feeling.

Also getting me right in the feels is that this pregnancy is starting to take an emotional toll on my sweet boy, and that is maybe one of the hardest things to deal with as a momma. Maybe it's because I feel like he's the one kiddo whose happiness and well-being I can do something about at this point, but I feel like I'm failing. I know we are doing the best we can, and when you go on bed rest half way through your pregnancy and have surprise surgery, you just do what you've gotta do, but it doesn't mean we have to like it (this is me being super pouty again). Thursday after he got home, he was crying for me to come snuggle with him when he went to bed. Of course I did (I mean, what's the difference...laying in my bed or laying in his bed? Same thing, right?), and he whimpered through his tears, "I'm just ready for these babies to be out of your tummy already." And then today when I was hugging him goodbye again, he said, "Mommy, do you still love me?" Oh my gosh. Kid, you're killing me. Literally, you're killing me. I mean, homeboy is having the time of his life with both sets of grandparents...don't feel too sorry for us. But my biggest fear has been that as a child who has dealt with so much transition already that he would start to question our love for him or his place in our family. Luckily GMa sent me this picture from about two hours after they got to Springfield, so clearly he's not hurting too badly. 

Please don't get me wrong - we are SO grateful for our parent's help and willingness to give him an awesome summer when we aren't able to (and he really is having a blast. He told us on Friday - less than 24 hours after he got home -  that he missed Derby, so obviously he's not too broken up about his summer travels.). I'm just an emotional trainwreck right now, so I'm struggling with feeling like I'm doing anything that might be in his best interest this summer. Oh, hormones. Thank you for making me crazier than I already was.

Thank you for continuing to pray for us. When we feel overwhelmed by this whole thing, we look at the pile of cards and the list of people bringing meals and the mountain of gifts in the nursery and are reminded of the amazing gift we've been given in having so many people traveling this road with us. Thank you for holding us up when we are tired and scared and don't know how we're going to make it another week. We are grateful beyond words.